


The Photograph Is Not One Color

by words_reign_here



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anger, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, angsty, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-28
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-06 11:16:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 44,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1106173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/words_reign_here/pseuds/words_reign_here
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas are best friends. They've got the life, the job, the friends and have even made themselves a little family within their workplace. But when they decide to take it a step further, it leads to something unexpected. A road trip, a camera, some peaches, a girl in a bayou, three soldiers and a Cajun show Dean that family doesn't end with blood, but running from something doesn't mean an end either.<br/>Not a Terrible Life!AU, but lifted just a little from there. Told in three parts, because that's how I saw it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before

**BEFORE**

“I hate when people bring up that Frodo could have just ridden an eagle to Mount Doom. The fucking books weren’t about him destroying the ring and fighting all these monsters. The book was about the journey! Him and Sam’s friendship! Overcoming odds! The ring was… almost something that happened along the way.” Castiel handed over a caramel macchiato, extra vanilla, extra caramel, with whip cream on top. Most people thought that Dean would be a black coffee drinker but Castiel had learned quickly that he liked his coffee so sweet that it was more sugar than actual coffee. Castiel patiently listened to Dean explain the ins and outs of Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson’s genius for the first fifteen minutes of the ride. He finally took a deep breath and took a big swig of his coffee. “Cas, you make the most perfect coffee ever. Forget Starbucks. You, my friend, are the real deal.”

Cas felt a deep blush begin at his chest but cleared his throat instead of bringing attention to it. “Thank you, Dean. I also made breakfast sandwiches. Sausage, scrambled egg and potato for you; egg white, turkey bacon and Swiss for me.”

Dean’s eyes widened and Cas thought wildly for a moment he might cry. Instead, he gently plucked the proffered sandwich from Castiel’s hand and opened the wax paper. He moaned. “You complete me, man. I’m serious. You were put on this earth for me. Sam weeps with gratitude every night in Jessica’s arms.”

“I’m glad you like the sandwich.” Cas said, taking a bite of his own as Dean gently urged the Impala onto the freeway. They had, at best, forty five minutes more on the freeway. As usual, it was bumper to bumper as far as the eye could see. At worst, it could be another hour and a half. Dean was dressed in a white t-shirt and slacks. Castiel had a waist coat, blue slacks and a light blue button up shirt on. Dean’s button up, jacket and tie were hung in the back seat. He said he always hated spending more time in the monkey suit than he had to.

Cas, on the other hand, appreciated a good suit. He liked the nipped in waist, the silk ties, and the fine button up shirts. He prefers waistcoats to jackets and his superiors have never said anything on the subject seeing as some of his colleagues barely come to work sober some of the time.

Dean and Cas had been friends going on three years now. It had happened quite incidentally with Dean posting an ad on the intranet at work seeing if anyone would like to carpool with him. Turns out that Castiel lived three doors down from Dean in the same townhouse complex and Castiel’s car had always been rather unreliable. He answered the ad and they now had a companionable relationship. Dean usually dominated the conversations; it was his forte. He worked in sales and was often sent in when deals needed to be water tight. He was charming, good looking, smart and funny. Women tripped over themselves throwing themselves at him and men slipped their key cards into his hand on the way out the door. Dean was just that charismatic.

Cas was his polar opposite. He kept to himself and if it hadn’t been for Dean he would have spent the last three thanksgivings and Christmases alone. He was serious and his humor was only used sparingly. His only living brother, Gabriel, was a baker and those days were chaotic for him. So both holidays were planned and celebrated earlier and Cas was fine with that, really, but Dean would have none of it once he had heard of the arrangement. So on Christmas and Thanksgiving, Dean and Cas arrive on Sam’s doorsteps, loaded with presents and pies. The cookies and cakes and other assorted candies were from Gabriel himself, seeing as pies are the only thing that Cas can make and Dean is magical at picking out the right present for everyone. If Jessica isn’t crying by the end of the night, Dean feels like a failure. As though the perfect present should reduce a person to tears.

“We have that staff meeting first thing when we get there. Michael made sure to put that in the email. ‘As soon as Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak make it in, the meeting will begin.’” Cas said, scrolling through his email on his laptop.

“Can you believe that dick?” Dean asked shaking his head. “Like we aren’t there late every night to make up for the fact that we drag ourselves through hell in traffic to get to his poncy high rise, that bag of dicks.”

“He wouldn’t be where he was if it wasn’t for us anyway. Raphael may be the right hand man, but we’re the ones that keep it afloat.” Cas glowered.

Dean whistled low and they moved forward seven feet. “Listen to you, man. This one has no self-esteem issues.”

Castiel smiled.

“Jess is asking about thanksgiving. She requests one of your apple crumb pies and if at all possible, a lemon meringue for Sam. That being the entire pie-“

“For Sam. Yes, I recall last year. He hissed at me when I tried to get a piece, Dean.” Cas pouted.

“Aw.” Dean laughed and hooked a finger around Castiel’s chin. “I can’t resist the puppy eyes. Listen, make one for you, one for Sam and Jess and I will share.”

“I can only bring three?” Now Cas was horrified. To bring seven or eight pies was not abnormal for Cas.

“You know what, baby? Bring what you want. But definitely bring two lemon meringues.”

These things were getting more often and more frequent. In the beginning of their friendship, there had been more silence than words, more stilted phrases than inside jokes. Now though, it wasn’t unusual for Dean to refer to Cas as “baby” or “blue bird”. Nor was it terribly unheard of for Cas to refer to Dean as “darling” and “sweets”. Where that line had crossed from acquaintance to friend to best friend to being able to use terms of endearment was lost on Cas but he was comfortable with it and, to be honest, liked it. He liked the comfort of getting to his desk and seeing the first email from DWinchester@sales that only ever said, “I ran the gauntlet. I made it. How’s my T-1000?”

To which Castiel would always reply from CNovak@accounting replied. “T-1000 has arrived intact. Impatiently waiting for pickup.”

To which Dean would reply, “John Connor will arrive for pickup at 1900 hours. Dinner will be acquired along the way.”

Of course this was after a weekend splurge of 80s action movies. The Terminator series had proven to be Castiel’s favorite but Die Hard and, strangely enough, The Never Ending Story were special to him. The rest of the ride passed in a hum of AC/DC and random observations from Cas.

When they arrived to work, Cas popped open the glove compartment and shoved another twenty in there, despite the fact that the compartment was dangerously full. Dean had stopped accepting money from Cas when they had become friends but Cas never stopped giving it, so the glove compartment became a place of convenience for them. Cas could feel like he was giving Dean something and Dean would never touch it.

It was not normal but it worked for them.

They both bypassed their floors, heading instead straight up to Michael’s office, where everyone was milling around with average coffee (Dean snorted in disgust) and bagels (that Cas politely turned away) until Michael took his seat at the front and everyone followed suit. Michael was younger than most thought, but his dark eyes and cynical smile often aged him impossibly. Dean was to the left of Michael and Cas to the right. As the head of Sales, Dean was always front and center and as the chair of Accounting, Cas was always allotted an important seat.

“Let’s get started people.” Michael said. “Meg, how do the models fare?”

Meg shrugged, “They are skinny and pretty and take good pictures.”

“Good update.” Michael said flatly. “Accounting.”

“We’re in the black and have maintained it for the last two quarters. Although Meg’s costumes and locations make it a little challenging.” Castiel said, eyeing the short brunette across from him.

“What’s life without challenge, angel face?” Meg asked wagging her eyebrows.

“Sales.”

“Are up. That big deal with Devil May Care is coming up and I would appreciate you being there when it goes down.” Dean said, glancing up from the report that had appeared in his hands.

“Talk to Ruby about setting it up.” The dark haired beauty strode forward and took Dean’s company issued tablet from him, consulted her own, tapped a few buttons on the screen and suddenly the meeting was set up.

“Legal.”

“The lawsuit from Goss is going away when surveillance of him showed him walking just fine in the park with his dog.” Jessica Winchester supplied from the other end of the table. “The sexual lawsuit on the other hand-“ She glanced over at her husband.

“Gordon Walker has been fired, imprisoned and now she wants more?” Michael asked, raising an eyebrow. “I happily testified for prosecution and handed over the tapes without so much as a threat of a search warrant.”

“Becky feels she needs to be compensated.” Sam supplied.

“Can we afford it?” Michael turned to Castiel.

“Yes.”

“Then do it, Sam. I want this to go away, fast. Just nothing… exorbitant.” Michael stood and the meeting was over. Ruby traced his steps, sweeping her way out of the room. Sam and Jess fell into step, her strides lengthening and his shortening. They spoke softly in legal terms as they left. They made a formidable team in the courtroom, husband and wife having barely the need to speak before a surprise defense was up and running for the company. They had made themselves so indispensable, in fact, that when Jessica had become pregnant their fifth year with the company, Michael had hired two onsite nannies rather than let Jessica quit. Now the young toddler pretty much had run of the company, spending equal time in her “play room” (Jessica’s office) her daddy’s office, Castiel’s office, Dean’s office and, surprisingly enough, Michael’s office. He said that she was the real creative genius in the place. It seemed like little Krissy Winchester was the only person to find a soft spot in Michael’s heart. It wasn’t unusual to see her roaming the halls around the company and everyone always had some kind of treat for her in their desk.

Chuck scurried forward and handed Castiel a three ring binder and said, “Last quarterly’s reports.” He handed him a small stack of papers. “Time off requests.”

“Excellent. Thank you Chuck. What kind of work load are we looking at today…?”

Cas was always needed when they were at work. But seeing Cas walk away, his eyes on Dean over his shoulder and a hand raised in “Goodbye, I’ll see you later” was always the worst part of his day. So Dean dashed off to his own office, set twelve stories up in the corner so that he could properly impress clients when they came in.  His office was filled with sports memorabilia, photos of places traveled to and barbeques shared. It was the place he felt the most comfortable in the sterile building where everything was white or blue. Dark carpet with comfortable chairs and a table dominated the middle of the room. It wasn’t unusual to see Sam and Jess in there, feet kicked up researching their newest case. Sometimes, on really awesome days, Cas could be found in there as well, escaping his underlings needs to get pressing work done while Dean designed new ad campaigns, tried out colors or sometimes just stared out his floor to ceiling windows listlessly.

At his desk, Dean pulled up a new ad campaign for leather cuff watches that had become all the rage. He had been given a whole range for free as samples and Cas had ended up with one consequently. Dean always felt a small swell of pride when he saw it on his wrist day after day. He also couldn’t help that when Cas was deep in thought, he twisted the cuff around his wrist in slow, languid turns.

Dean blinked several times and reached for his bottle of water that he kept near his left hand while he browsed through the models Meg had sent him for consideration for the ad. His job, sometimes, was real hard. He was lost while scanning through models, considering height, weight, location when a knock came to the door.

“Dean?” Jess poked her head in through the door. Krissy pushed it open the rest of the way and walked in. She grinned at Dean and Dean picked her up and set her on his desk.

“Hey Jess. Come on in.”

“Lunch? Sam is getting sandwiches-“

“Daddy!” Krissy screamed.

“Yes, your big, bad daddy.” Dean said, gathering her up in his arms and nuzzling her neck while she giggled.

“He’s getting sandwiches from downstairs. Want anything?”

“Sure, just the usual.” Dean said, standing up and swinging Krissy to his hip.

“Good, because that’s what I got you. Cas is on his way.” Sam said, nudging Jess forward with a hip as he stepped in with bottles of water and two large bags in his hands. Dean was used to this and, in fact, felt pretty lonely when everyone had lunch time plans. He began to pull napkins and plates from the cupboards above the small sink, situated against a wall. He handed the plates to Krissy who promptly began chewing on them and they were gently tugged from her by Cas who had arrived from seemingly nowhere.

“I brought cookies.” He said. He took Krissy from Dean’s arms who promptly buried her hands in Cas’ hair, making more than the usual mess of things. She grinned and although Cas didn’t exactly smile back, that was rare, he planted a kiss on her forehead which was good enough for Krissy.

Jess took Krissy and situated her at Dean’s desk, tearing small pieces of bread and meat and cheese for her and put on some music for her to sway gently back and forth to. It was not terribly out of turn for her to fall asleep curled up in Dean’s humongous chair. He was used to working in one of the four chairs that surrounded the coffee table in the middle of the room while Krissy took her afternoon nap.  

Sam began doling out sandwiches and while Dean filled cups with water, Cas parceled out chips for everyone’s plate. Krissy hummed tunelessly and Jess filled a small sippy cup for her and everything was right with Dean’s world.

They all sat and dug into the sandwiches that Andrew prepared downstairs in his small café. Although a tad bit on the strange side, he made excellent sandwiches and never failed to remember everyone’s favorite order.

Jess kept one eye on Krissy while she spoke. “Becky is trying to throw the company under the bus. I think she has a personal grudge against me.”

“Well, she did have a crush the size of Texas on Sam, if you recall.” Cas pointed out, frowning at his sandwich. “Too much mayo.” He muttered. Dean’s had next to none so he wordlessly offered his as a trade. Cas took it and was pleased with the deal.

“But that’s no reason to take it out on the company, right?” Sam asked, standing up and gently wiping his daughter’s face free of mayonnaise.

“You know nothing of women, Sam. And you’re straight.” Cas said. “I once worked with a woman who stalked me for six months, convinced that I was lying about being gay.”

Dean winced. Working within such close quarters of some people led them to often believe that certain things weren’t true. Take Cas for instance. He was a good looking, educated guy who was kind to almost everyone (in his own albeit, strange way) and had these amazing blue eyes and lips that just begged-

Whoa there Winchester. This is your best friend. A soft voice whispered. It said nothing about his own apparent straight-ness and wouldn’t.

Dean had been having some strange thoughts lately.

“Any woman who thinks they are a match for Jess is plain out of her mind, ok?” Dean said. “You guys got the career, the kid, the life. So let’s forget about Becky, pay her off and get back to business as usual.”

“We aren’t using Lilith in the new campaign.” Jess said flatly.

“Oh come on, Jess! She’s perfect! She looks evil, we can do the whole devil may care thing… It’ll be brilliant!” Dean whined.

“She almost destroyed us with the cost alone last time, Dean.” Cas pointed out. Dean sighed and pouted. Cas caught his eye over his sandwich. “Come on, sweets. There are literally thousands of models out there. You can discover new talent. You can make someone’s career. We,” He said looking over at Jess and Sam to make sure they were all in agreement, “Just all kind of hate Lilith. “

Dean sighed. There was one more idea he wanted to try.

“I want to try Ruby out for this campaign.” He said finally.

Silence reigned in the office. Sam slowly put his sandwich down and Jess froze with hers halfway to her mouth. Cas blinked owlishly.

“Ruby?” Jess said slowly.

“Michael’s Ruby?” Cas clarified.

“Michael’s Ruby that he literally cannot live without and can hardly make a decision without consulting and without which, might I add, the whole company would collapse if she decided to become the next big thing?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, that one.” Dean said.

Silence.

“Are you trying to obliterate the entire company?” Jess hissed. There was once upon a time when Sam had warned Dean never to piss Jess off but Dean had never believed him. Now he did. He was teeny bit scared of the woman across from him. “Michael depends on her like it is his life and if she left to become a model, which she could, you know because she is absolutely breathtakingly beautiful and I have no doubt whatsoever that with her intelligence and drive she could take over the modeling world, and our company, the company with which we built with Michael might just disintegrate and you think this is a good idea?”

“Ok. Listen. I know it’s scary. It’s new. But look.” Dean lowered his screen that he used for his PowerPoint presentations for Michael and clients. Cas settled back but Sam and Jess were still frozen, glaring at him. Dean went back around to his computer where Krissy was now snoozing. He pulled up his newest ad manipulations. Fire and darkness licking the background and none other than Ruby, reaching up to a strong arm pulling her out of the hell she was trapped in. The strong, masculine arm pulling her up had one of the leather cuff watches strapped on to it. And Ruby was, as usual, magnificent. Her dark hair spilled behind her, her face was filled with hope, her mouth slightly parted and she looked up, her profile dominating the ad.

“I didn’t even Photoshop it.” Dean said after a moment of more silence. “That’s just her.”

“You did this-“ Cas started, standing up and cocking his head in that way that was too cute for Dean to resist.

“Without consulting us?” Sam finished.

“I had to. I knew this was how you guys would react.”

Silence reigned once again and this was probably why everyone heard the slight creak of the door opening. As a group they turned their eyes to the door. Michael dominated the doorway, broad shoulders casting a pretty epic shadow. His eyes were glued to the screen as well.

“Uh, sir.” Dean said from behind his desk. “I was just showing an idea to uh-“

“Is that Ruby?” Michael demanded.

Behind Michael there was a barely audible squeak. Ruby peeked her head around Michael to see the picture on display. Her eyes rounded and her mouth dropped open. She hadn’t seen the finished project; no one had until today. Fear had churned his stomach almost to sickness at the thought of presenting something like this to the company so if he had started small, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it wouldn’t be so-

“Um.” Dean said, ever the conversationalist.

Michael strode into the room to get a closer look and frowned. Ruby stayed in the doorway, tablet clutched to her chest. Dean could read the fear in her eyes, clear as day. Sam was on the edge of his seat and Jess had put her sandwich down. Cas was the only one who appeared at ease with Michael seeing the picture. He leaned back in his chair, his arms on the armrest and why the hell was Dean checking him out RIGHT NOW when his job was clearly in jeopardy?

“Did Meg take this picture?” Michael asked. Meg was a magician with the camera, but Dean hadn’t wanted to involve her. He had taken this picture in secret, at night, just him and Ruby in the studio.

“No, I did.” Dean said.

Cas’ eyes flickered to him for a moment, the only surprise of the lunch. Sam knew, and probably by extension Jess, that Dean’s first love had been photography but no one else knew of his random weekend excursions to the park to photograph people and landscapes and anything that caught his eye. Not even Cas.

“Ruby. Your thoughts.” Michael instructed.

Ruby strode forward, confident despite her fear. “I like his idea. Devil May Care. It plays up the sex of the ad while making the male ad viewer feel stronger and more confident. There are other models-“

“There are other models.” Michael said, his eyes finally settling on Dean. “Any particular reason you chose Ruby?”

“Because no one will let me bring back Lilith and her look is perfect.” Dean said.

“And as Executive of Sales, you felt the need to take the picture when our professional photographer is at your beck and call?”

Cas snorted and tried to cover it up with a cough but Michael caught on and raised his eyebrow.

“I don’t think Meg is at anyone’s beck and call but yours, Michael.” Jess offered.

“Be that as it may.” Michael drawled and continued to stare at Dean.

“I didn’t know how it would go over but I had to at least try.” Dean said with what he tried to pass off as an indifferent shrug.

Michael hummed and stared at the picture a bit longer. Then he took Dean’s seat next to Cas and said to Ruby, “Bring lunch in here.” She nodded, turned on her heel and left but not without meeting Dean’s eyes briefly. He winked at her and she smiled weakly.

“Show me more.” Michael demanded. He was shrewd. He knew that Dean would have more than one. Dean took a deep breath. This might be his last day on the job, but at least he would go out with a bang.

The lunch meeting was a slow process and eventually Meg was called in. At first she was offended and then intrigued by Dean’s play on light, the fire that practically licked the viewer’s face and then began to suggest a few tips. Cas pointed out a few things and Sam and Jess seemed abated. Ruby said really nothing, but sat particularly close to Dean, stabbing at her salad occasionally. When the meeting finally ended, close to four, Meg strode up to Ruby and took her by the chin and twisted her head first left, then right.

“Let me do your headshots. Not this amateur.” Meg said with her usual smirk.

“I don’t know. He did a pretty damn good job his first time around.” Ruby nudged Dean’s shoulder.

Meg frowned and glanced over her shoulder. The original picture was up, Ruby being lifted out of the flames. “Something tells me this isn’t Dean-o’s first rodeo.” It was as close to a compliment as Dean would get from her and he smiled at his shoes.

“We’ll present this to the company first thing Monday, Dean. Clean it up a bit around the edges and it will shine.” Michael said.

Cas had stayed for the entire meeting, ignoring Chuck when he came to Dean’s door and his phone which had been vibrating more and more insistently before he finally switched it off. Michael valued Castiel’s opinion, even on things that were outside of his department, this much was evident. Around two, Jess and Sam had excused themselves to finish the Walker case off but Sam had clapped him on the shoulder on the way out.

“I’ll sign the remaining paperwork at my desk, Michael. I assume you will compensate Ruby for her participation in this campaign?” Cas asked.

“Yes, Castiel. I also assume that you will draw up the paperwork and have it to me by five?” Michael replied, equally formal.

“Of course, Michael.” Cas turned to Dean and there was a mixture of emotions on his face that Dean had a hard time reading. And he could usually read Cas like an open book. “Dean, I will be ready to leave shortly after five if that suits you.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. Cas was usually the reason he stayed so late after work. “Sure thing. I’ll be at your office then.”

Cas nodded and left so now it was just Ruby, Michael and Dean in the office. “Castiel didn’t know of your talent?” Michael asked.

“No one but Sam and maybe Jess- Jessica knew.” Michael eyed Dean’s picture some more before tapping a few buttons on the keyboard and it disappeared. The screen followed and Dean saw the remote in Ruby’s hand.

“Why not?” Michael asked. Being interrogated by one’s boss was intimidating but knowing that your boss was at the top of the ladder in the industry that was competitive as fuck, was threatening.

“I wanted a steady job. Something that I could support a family on.”

“You don’t have a family.” Michael pointed out. Ruby cleared her throat. “Apologies. What I mean is that there does not seem to be anything holding you back from doing something that you are obviously so talented at. Why do you not take it up?”

“And give all this up? Michael, I’m at the top of my game here.” Dean said gesturing to his office.

Michael regarded him once more for a long moment before nodding and leaving. Ruby smiled once more, brilliantly this time, and followed on his heels. Dean checked his clock once, did a quick clean up and locked up. Cas should be close to done by now.

In the elevator he found Sam and Jess. It was silent for a moment before Jess leaned against him and sighed. “It’s a beautiful picture, Dean. For what it’s worth, I love it.”

“Thanks Jess.” He said, leaning back against her.

“Will you take some pictures of Krissy?” Jess asked, leaning against him.

Dean cleared his throat. He ached to take some pictures of his little brother’s family. He wanted to chase them around the office and follow them on a day off and trail after them while they put Krissy to bed. He wanted to sit silently in Sam’s office with only the glass wall between him and them and watch them work on a case. These small moments when no one was watching, that’s when he saw the man his little brother had become, the father that he was proud of, and the friend that he loved.

That was the thing about Dean though. He tried to shut it off but sometimes he saw Jess laugh at something Sam had said or he watched her look at Cas with such blatant admiration in her gaze that he clenched his fist in an effort not to scrabble for his camera. He wanted to take those pictures more than anything but-

There was always that “but”. But, what if it wasn’t any good? But, what if what he though was beautiful was only actually mediocre? But, what if what he saw was actually all wrong?

What if he wasn’t that good?

It was all whispered in the back of his head, this terrifying thought that he wasn’t actually any good and he was fooling himself this entire time. He wasn’t that great. Really, it was because he was able to afford the beautiful and expensive camera in his hand and it wasn’t actually him. It was the technology. Dean wasn’t an artist. He couldn’t be. He was raised by an angry mechanic and the ghost of a mother who died in a car accident when Dean was four. He didn’t even remember her but Dad sure did make him think about her more often than most people would consider.

Do you think I could have supported two kids and a wife with a camera, Dean? Get your head out your ass.

Just because you take pictures of some flowers don’t make you special.

It’s some clouds. So fucking what?

John Winchester wasn’t the doubt in the back of Dean’s mind. He was right in his face, breathing whisky down his throat and disbelief in his face.

Sam cleared his throat, bringing Dean back to the present. Jess pressed against him and her question still hanging in the air.

“I would love to, Jess. But no portraits. I’m going to catch this girl in the act.” Dean said and pressed a quick kiss to her head. The elevator opened on Cas’ floor and he stepped out, raising his hand goodbye. Krissy squealed in Sam’s arms and waved goodbye.

Castiel’s office was in the middle of the large office, boxed in only by glass walls. He was in there now, filing something away. He straightened up and pulled down on his waistcoat. He glanced around his pristine office once more before catching sight of Dean. Dean saw the frown on Castiel’s face and knew that he was going to get a stern talking to in just a few moments. Dean thought of going and telling Cas that he was going to wait in the car for him but decided to go in and face the music.

“You’re angry at me.” He said, opening the door and walking in.

“I didn’t know you and Ruby were so close.” Castiel diverted, raising an eyebrow.

“She’s barely more than a glorified assistant and model, Cas. How many of those do I meet in a day?”

“She’s Ruby. She’s smart, determined and could take over the world, as Jess pointed out. I would go so far as to say that she is more than just a model and an assistant, Dean.”

“Are you jealous?” Dean asked, incredulous.

“I’m disappointed in the fact that Ruby knew something intensely personal to you before I did. If that counts as jealousy, than yes.” Cas said, slapping a folder down on his desk. He pinned Dean with a glare so ferocious that Dean raised his hands in surrender.

“I just-“ Dean started. He stopped and swallowed. Then he looked up at Cas and said, “I can handle Ruby telling me its shit. She doesn’t mean anything to me. But if I showed you something and I watched you look for the words to be so polite but not hurt my feelings instead of just telling me that what I do is shit-“

“It’s not shit, Dean. It’s amazing.” Cas growled, still very clearly angry at him. Dean had no reply and looked down at his shoes.

“Thanks, Cas.”

“Let’s go home.” Cas said, pushing him gently to the door. “I’ll let you buy me dinner to appease me and I’ll get you drunk enough to make you pass out so I can find the rest of your portfolio.”

Dean was struck dumb. “You- you want to see more?”

“Of course I do. Don’t be inane.” Cas said.

The ride down to the garage was quiet and they swung their bags into the trunk silently and Dean was on the freeway before he finally said anything.

“The attic.” He finally choked out.

“What about it?” Cas asked, turning to him.

“I made a dark room and studio up there. It’s where I hang out when I’m not with you or at work. I have some prints up there. I mean- If you want- You don’t have to-“

Castiel stared in utter disbelief at his best friend. He had never seen Dean stumble over his words or blush as much as he had that day. Dean was normally a wild flirt, confident and brash and now, finally Cas was seeing what he was passionate about and it made him want to whoop with joy. Seeing Dean like this was an utter pleasure that Cas would take advantage of as much as possible from now on.

“Of course I want to see them, Dean. As soon as we get home.” Cas assured him, simply assuming that he would be going home with Dean as he did every Friday night. Normally it was take out and movie night but tonight Cas hoped he would get to see a bit more of this side of Dean; the side that stumbled over his words, waited for his mouth to catch up with his brain and blushed more often than not.

Dean grinned.

~~~

The ride home was longer than normal because of Friday traffic. People were asshats on the road, according to Dean and Cas got some more paperwork done on his laptop than he had all day, considering he had spent much of it Dean’s office with Michael and Ruby. Other than Cas tutting over some numbers and Dean’s occasional curse, they were almost silent.

It was the silence that intrigued Dean. Everyone that Dean had ever met had to fill the silence between words but Cas often just let it be until he had something to say. Dean learned not to try to fill it and waited, instead, for something “of import” to say before he spoke.

Finally at home, Dean dropped his case on the floor and Cas placed his neatly against the wall. Black chestnut hardwood floors surrounded them and cream walls encircled them and Cas let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Dean’s home was sparse but it always felt more at home than his own. It held fonder memories, for sure, and was often the place where Cas could go to unwind.

Dean came out of the kitchen with a glass of red wine in one hand and his own beer in the other. “Pizza is on its way. In the meantime, I could show you-?”

Cas took the glass from his hand and nodded. “Lead the way, captain.”

Dean took a long pull from bottle in his hand and nodded. He turned down the hall and walked all the way to the end where a closet stood. He pushed aside the winter jackets that hung there to reveal another door in the back of the closet. Castiel raised an eyebrow at this. Dean kept it so far hidden, that no one logically could have found it without help. He turned on another light to show the stairs that lead almost vertically up to yet another closed door.

Dean paused here and took a deep breath. “No one else has been up here.” He said over his shoulder. He felt a hand, warm and steadying, in the small of his back.

“Then this is my honor.” Cas said.

Dean finally got the door opened and to say it was a startling contrast was an understatement. The floors and walls gleamed white and canvas after canvas filled the walls, leaning up against them or hung reverently. Off to a side was the dark room, small and with a revolving door to shut out any light. A small desk was shoved in the corner and Cas started there, looking over his materials and marveling at the size of the computer screen for a moment. There were unfinished pictures there, some in color, some in black and white. He was startled to see his own face propped against the wall. He was smiling widely at the camera and he remembered Dean holding the old Polaroid out for them to take a “selfie”. Sam and Jess were there too, in a separate picture, along with Krissy.

Then Cas started on the walls, stopping at each individual picture, contemplating the set of the shot, the light, the landscape and if it was populated, the people in the picture.

He stopped at a picture of two old men playing chess in the park.

“Did they even know that you were there?” Cas asked.

“Of course. I don’t just creep on people with a camera.” Dean said sounding a little offended.

“You mount these yourself?” Cas said, touching the canvas lightly with one finger. He had stopped on a portrait of a young lady. She was walking down the paved sidewalk of the nearly empty park when he had stopped her. It had taken a bit of talking and a lot of Dean’s charm but he had finally gotten her to agree to a picture.

“Just one.” She said, mocking him with her slight smile.

“If that’s all I get, I’m setting this up perfectly. Stand here,” he gestured to the middle of the walkway. Trees on either side of her reached over her head and as it was winter, they were bare, their branches almost black. She wore a light blue blouse but that was ok. It was going to turn out to be a black and white photo anyway. “Now, pretend someone shouted your name from the far end of the walk.”

“Jo!” He heard and saw a woman wave to her. The young lady turned, her reaction perfect, the picture framed amazingly well.

Dean had thanked her, reassured her mother Ellen that he was on the up and up and bid them both a good day.

“I want these two.” Cas said, stepping back and gesturing to the old men playing chess and Jo turning to her mother’s voice. “How much?”

Dean almost choked on his beer. “What did you just say?”

“My mother and father collected art when I was growing up. Whenever I asked my dad how he knew what to buy he told me the same thing. ‘It’s like falling in love, Castiel. You just know.’ I want these. How much?” He asked once more.

“I-what?”

“The chess match. It’s larger and more complicated. I will offer you four hundred but will not go higher than six. The young lady is less complicated and the canvas is smaller. Will you take three for it?” It was his business voice and his work face.

And the thing about it was that Cas was serious.

“Cas, no. You can have them. What are you talking about? I’m not taking your money.”

Cas frowned at him. “You need to learn to take money like compliments, Dean. This is why you will succeed. And because you are, if I might say so, ferociously talented. I can practically hear the young lady’s mother calling to her.”

“How did you know-“

“It’s all right there in the picture, Dean. For anyone and everyone to see.” Cas turned to look at Dean and he ached for the camera to be in his hands once again.

“Wait- can I?”

Cas frowned. For once he wasn’t following Dean’s line of thought telepathically. “Can you what, Dean?”

Dean took a deep breath, “CascanItakeyourpicture?” He asked in a single breath.

Cas frowned. “Will I get the pictures that I asked for?”

“Yes but no money.”

“Yes money or no pictures of me.” Cas countered.

“A fourth of it and pictures of you.”

“Half of it and pictures.”

“A third.”

“No deal.”

“Fuck, Cas. Fine! Half!” Dean said, setting the bottle down and snatching up a Rollei 35mm that had cost him a pretty penny the last time he had been in the Czech Republic. It was older than both Dean and Cas and he handled it lovingly.

“That’s old.” Cas said.

“They age well. Go back to what you were doing.” Dean said, gesticulating wildly. Now that Cas knew, it was hard to hold back. Dean took pictures from every angle before moving on to his new digital camera that took amazing pictures. The red in Castiel’s wineglass was astonishing against most of the black and white of the room and the paleness of Castiel’s hand.

The doorbell rang and shook him out of his reverie and he realized he was almost panting. He had to develop them as quickly as possible. He walked to the door but as he did, he clicked through the pictures he had just taken on the digital camera. That was one of the pleasures and pains of the newer cameras. You could see immediately what you had done but there was neither the anticipation nor the surprise that came with the vintage cameras.

The last picture popped up on the small screen and it gave Dean pause. Most of the time he would have immediately discarded the picture; it was out of focus. The doorbell must have caught him right then. But instead, he had Castiel turning half into the photo, his profile caught there in streaks of gray and black and dark blues. The wine was a smear across the screen and there was a small, half smile on his face that Dean could barely pick out. He stopped and stared, barely rocking forward when Cas ran into him from behind.

“Dean?” He asked, leaning forward to see what he had gotten.

“That’s it. That’s so you.” Dean said, staring at the screen.

“How much?”

“Not for sale.” Dean replied. “This is mine.”

The doorbell rang again but this time instead of looking at the door, Dean looked over his shoulder at his best friend. Cas eyes were ringed with blue but only just barely. The red wine dotted his lower lip and Dean wanted to swipe it off with the pad of his thumb. The desire caught him unaware and he could only recall feeling like this when he was in the moment of some great shots. Like a thick honey, he could feel it on the back of tongue. Like a lover’s too intimate touch it trailed from his stomach to the backs of his thigh.

Cas must have seen the same light reflected back at him because he did not move away. He barely brushed back as Dean turned to him. Instead he met Dean’s eyes forthrightly, demanded that he look back at him. All the endearments, all the slight touches, the support that was the hallmark of their friendship rushed forward and Dean almost dropped his too-expensive camera in a rush to pull Cas forward.

There were a few ways to describe Dean, Cas thought. Stubborn, loud, obnoxious, sweet, short tempered, loyal to a fault, handsome, jaw-line-of-a-god, but hesitant was not one of them. He saw in Castiel’s eyes what he had been feeling for the past several months and instead of pushing it away to the back of his mind, instead of stepping back and mumbling something about the pizza man, Dean reached out and grabbed Castiel’s tie and hauled him in for a kiss. It’s hard to say who was more startled. Dean by his own actions or Castiel by the fact of finally. To say that Cas had contemplated this very scenario, differing details be damned, was an understatement and his hands found Dean’s belt to clutch on to and the only thing that stopped him from undoing it right then was the bell again.

“Cas.” Dean gasped pulling away.

Cas nodded and leaned into Dean who caught his weight immediately. “Yeah.”

“The pizza!” Dean said and turned for the door.

Cas got the pleasure of watching Dean run down the street after the pizza man that night.

~~~

The kiss went unspoken of as Dean pulled out paper plates and refilled their drinks. They settled into their Friday night ritual and Cas picked out Terminator 2 to watch, much to Dean’s delight. And if he settled in closer to Cas than was usual, Cas didn’t say anything. Half way through the movie, Cas excused himself to Dean’s bedroom, rifling through his clothes to find a pair of sweats and tshirt. Dean followed suit and when there was a knock at the door, Dean answered, hair ruffled and wearing pajamas.

Sam was there, looking partially panicked and a little worried. “Were you asleep? It’s only eleven. I figured Cas would still be here-“

“I’m still here.” Cas said from his seat in the living room. Sam followed Dean closely and snatched up a piece of pizza from the second pie on the coffee table. He practically stuffed it in his mouth. Cas paused the movie.

“You all right, Sammy?” Dean asked, settling in against Cas once more.

“Uh, yeah, Dean. That’s what I need to talk to you about.”

Dean’s ears practically perked with interest. “The girls ok?” He asked.

“Yeah, great, fine.” Sam sighed and settled back. Then he noticed Cas’ arm around the back of the sofa and how Dean was leaning into Cas and said, “Can I talk to you alone for a second?”

Cas raised his eyebrows but said nothing. Sam rarely hid anything from Cas. It was pointless. Dean would tell him anyway. But the brothers headed into the kitchen.

“What?” Dean asked.

“You can’t keep leading Cas on like this, Dean. It’s not fair-“

“I kissed him.” Dean said, stopping the whole tirade before it could begin.

Sam stopped and Dean wished once more that he had a camera right then. The reactionary faces that Sam made were priceless.

“Well then.” He said.

“If you were here to be my knight in shining armor, Sam, Dean’s got it covered.” Cas said from the doorway, sarcasm heavy in his voice.

“Uh, no. Just. Give me a second.” Sam pulled out his phone of his worn jeans and dialed a number.

“You owe me twenty bucks.” He said. Dean could hear a female voice over the line. “No. What’s today’s date? I had up until the 19th!” Sam paused. “Pull up the contract, Jess. I had till the nineteenth!”

“Did you bet-“ Dean started.

“Of course I did!” Sam hissed at him. “Jess, the contract says-“

Dean rolled his eyes and left his brother in the kitchen, tugging Cas back to the couch.

“You have a bit of sauce on your mouth.” Cas said, glancing over at him. Dean wiped at his mouth. “Missed it. Here.” Cas wiped gently at his mouth and stopped, the pad of thumb on Dean’s lower lip.

Sam cleared his throat. “Not that I didn’t call it, but I need to talk to you guys about something.”

Cas leaned forward and nipped at Dean’s mouth before settling back. He grinned at the reaction from both Dean and Sam.

“It will take a while to get used to that.” Sam said. “Quit interrupting! I’m here for a reason.”

“Ok.” Dean said, giving his brother his full attention.

“Dad called.”

Dean groaned. “What does he want now? Another loan? Does he want to yell at me?”

“He wants to come to Thanksgiving.” Sam replied.

Dean groaned again. “No, Sam! Don’t you remember the last time he came for Thanksgiving? Wasn’t Jess traumatized enough that year?”

“Dean, he hasn’t met Krissy-“ Sam started.

“Good! Let’s keep it that way!” Dean replied.

“What happened the last time he was here?” Cas asked.

“He got spectacularly drunk and told Jess off. Claimed she was trying to take Mom’s place. Him and Sam got into it and I ended up in the hospital with a concussion. Good times.” Dean spat, standing up.

“Dean, it sounds like he’s changed. He seems like he’s genuinely trying this time. I don’t know.” Sam hesitated for a moment before meeting his brother’s eyes. “Can we give him a chance? I want Krissy to meet her grandpa.”

Dean stared at his brother, before deflating and sitting down next to Cas again. “If this is something you really want, Sam. I just-“

“Don’t want to go to the hospital again?” Sam provided.

“Nah, I’ve got insurance now. I just don’t want you to get your hopes again. He hasn’t been here in five years and to hope against all possible reason that he’s ok? I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“I don’t want to see either of you hurt.” Cas threw in. “But Sam feels strongly about this, Dean. Maybe you should consider it.”

Dean sighed and leaned back into Cas. “Fine. But if he throws the first punch, I’m ending it. We clear?”

Sam nodded. “Jess wasn’t too sure either, but. I don’t know. Maybe he could swing it this year.” He stood. “Anyway, I’ll see you guys Monday. I got twenty bucks to collect from my wife.”

“I can’t believe you bet-“

“How could I not? If I had to put up with your looks of longing-“ Dean sputtered in protest. “-anymore I deserved a damn medal! So yeah, Jess and I made a little wager. And I won. And I’m going home to collect my reward.” Sam left then, leaving Cas and Dean speechless.

“I didn’t-“ Dean started.

“Yeah, you did.” Cas argued, nipping once again at his lower lip. Dean growled and leaned forward, capturing Cas’ mouth easily.

“You didn’t make this easy, you know.” Dean said. “All those pretty suits and nicknames and knowing everything about me. But you never gave a damn thing way.”

“And you with your alleged heterosexuality?” Cas replied. “You didn’t make it any easier.” He kissed Dean deeply, pulling him close. “Now let me watch my movie.”

They fell asleep after attempting to watch a Die Hard movie and Cas woke up at close to three in the morning. He laid a kiss on Dean’s forehead and snuck out into the night, three doors down and into the safety of his own home.

When Dean awoke the next morning he was not surprised to find he was alone. Cas often snuck out like that. He was, however, slightly disappointed. He made his own boring coffee and stared out his kitchen window to the completely uninspiring view of an empty field. The sky was gray and it looked like it would rain. Not a day for him to be out and about. He had those other pictures he wanted to develop anyway.

He went up to his studio and sat at his desk and scrolled through the pictures. He spent a particularly long time on the picture of Cas, perfecting it as much as he could. He was telling the truth when he said that this was his; so far it was his favorite. Dean hummed softly off and on in the following hours. He didn’t realize the passage of time or even that he was hungry for hours until he heard a knock behind him at his studio door. He glanced down at his clock before turning in his chair to face Cas.

“It’s four in the afternoon.” He told Cas, as a way of greeting him.

“I’ve been here for hours.” Cas replied, raising an eyebrow. “I’ve made an early dinner. I suggest you jump in the shower.”

“Suggest?”

“Strongly.” Cas said gravely, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

“All right.” He closed the file he was working on and walked to the door. He paused in front of Cas and buried his face in his neck. “Is this ok?”

A hand came up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Perfect.” Dean could have stayed there all day, letting his best friend bear his weight and feeling his hand on the back of his neck until he felt a swat on his ass and Cas said, “Shower. Now.”

“You’re bossy.” Dean pouted but made his way out of the studio and down the stairs.

“Someone’s gotta keep you in line.” Cas replied. Dean went into his room and got out some clean clothes and then headed for the bathroom. Cas head back to the living room where he had papers scattered on the coffee table and his laptop sat. He hadn’t been exagerrating when he told Dean he had been here for hours. It was easier for him to work here; knowing Dean was putting around somewhere made the knots in his shoulders go away and the house felt like it breathed around him. Dean eventually drifted out and into the kitchen where a pot of beef stew sat simmering on the stove top. Castiel had warmed some bread only moments previous and he heard Dean start humming again as he ladled himself some. The sounds Dean made unconsciously kept Castiel’s ears pricked in his direction as the numbers for the company slowly added up.

Time passed unknowingly for Cas as it had for Dean upstairs and before he knew it, Dean was slinging himself over the couch and sitting between Cas and the back of the couch. Cas found himself tucked very neatly in the V  of Dean’s thighs. Dean ran his hands over Cas’ back and scratched vigirously, scratching an itch Cas wasn’t even aware of. Cas arched into the touch and Dean smoothed his hands down the muscles of his back.

“Almost done?” He asked.

“I’ll never be done. The money and costs generate numbers and I have to keep them straight. But this is a good place to stop for today.” Cas leaned forward and turned off his laptop and gathered his papers into his messenger bag. Once finished, he leaned back into Dean’s broad chest and captured one hand in his.

“What would you like to do today?” Cas asked.

“I want to kidnap my niece. Take pictures of her. Secretly take pictures of Sam and Jess.”

“Maybe if we could ask for your niece, probable jail time won’t be involved in today’s agenda.”

“You are absolutely no fun.”

Dean went upstairs and grabbed three cameras, packed them away and shoved a couple extra SD cards in there, just in case. Downstairs, he was putting on his jacket and Cas was zipping up the brand new fleece lined leather jacket Dean had bought him when Dean turned back and got one more camera.

Just in case.

Loaded down with cameras, Dean looked up when Cas asked, “Shouldn’t we call first?”

Dean snorted. “He’s my little brother.”

They loaded everything into the car and headed out of town. When they had first married, Jess and Sam bought a run down farm house. It had taken them three years of hard work and a lot more money than either of them wanted to think about, but they finally had the farm house that Jess had dreamed of since she was a little girl. And during the summer, Krissy had all the room in the world to to run around in. Sam’s humongous dogs, three of them, had run of the four acres but could more often be found with Krissy, nudging her along, chasing her away from the ditch, pulling her home when Jess called.

When they finally arrived, Dean slung two cameras around Castiel’s neck and placed the third in his hands.

“Please, please be careful with that one. It’s old and fragile and cranky and it’s my favorite one.”

Cas raised his eyes to the nighttime sky and said, “It’s like God himself is talking to me.”

“I’m not old!” Dean cried out. He pulled out the third camera, turned it on and snapped a few test shots of the farm house. It was dark and dreary and the light was for shit, but maybe one or two of them would turn out ok. They walked up the drive and Dean handed Cas his keys and nodded at the door. He put a finger to his lips and Cas nodded.

Dean walked in first, shucking his jacket and hanging it up. Castiel followed, carefully balancing the camera in his hands as he did so. The light and sound came from the kitchen so Dean went that way.

In there, he got his first candid shot. Jess was at the counter with Krissy in front of her, mother and daughter grinning at each other. Sam leaned against the fridge in the background watching his girls with obvious delight. At the sound of the obvious clicks coming from the hallway, all three turned to him.

“Don’t mind me.” Dean said, not pausing. He focused on Krissy who had thrown her arms around her mother’s neck and was buried in Jess’ curls.

He took hundreds of pictures that night, barely stopping to switch cameras. At first, they tried to pose but after Dean reminded them for the tenth time to forget he was there, they finally did. What Dean found the best, the most truthful, in pictures was when people forgot he was there. He took pictures of Krissy adoring her father, of Sam trying to steal a kiss from Jess and even a couple of the Sam, Jess and Cas talking, each with a beer in hand. There were several of Krissy sleeping and one of Cas contemplating the fireplace. All in all, they were there for several hours before Dean turned off his last camera, sighed and said, “Ok. I’m done here.” He slumped on the couch in the living room and Sam took a seat opposite him. Jess curled up into a chair and Cas sat next to him.         

“You think you got one or two you like?” Jess asked. He had taken hundreds of pictures and now she was gently teasing him.

“Maybe if the Sasquatch hadn’t tried to horn in on every single one, I could have gotten the good looking side of the Winchester family.” Dean grinned and raised a hand to his neck. It always happened. Whenever he spent a great deal of time with a camera, his neck inevitably cramped up. He rubbed there for a minute before he felt another hand brush his aside and began to knead at the knot there.

Jess followed Castiel’s hand and eyes before clearing her throat and saying, “So you guys. You two. Are you- are you guys like- a thing? Together, I mean?”

The hand on the back of Dean’s neck stilled and Dean reached back for Castiel’s wrist. He took a deep breath but Cas started rubbing again and spoke before Dean could.

“We haven’t exactly talked about the parameters of our relationship, such as it is, yet. He only kissed me last night.” Cas explained. Dean could practically hear the smirk in his voice.

“It’s a whole new experience, ok?” Dean supplied. “I was not expecting- Cas. But he fits. I don’t know. Shut up Sam. Even if I am into dudes, I can still whoop your ass.”

“I don’t think you are though.” Jess said suddenly. Dean raised his eyes to hers where she sat calmly in the armchair across from him, wineglass in hand, looking for all the world like an angel. “I think you are just into Cas.” It was her turn to smirk. “I think you made an exception and rebelled against all your heteronormativity for Cas. We’ve all seen guys hit on you, Dean. And maybe they knew something we didn’t. But not once did you bat an eye at them. Actually, since you and Cas became friends, how many dates have you been on?”

“Almost one.” Dean said.

“Almost?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, then Jess went into labor and Sam freaked out and you were in Japan on that thing.” Dean waved a hand away. “So I called at the last minute to break it off and hid from her.”

Sam shook his head and Jess’ smirk stayed in place. Cas dropped his hand and laughed at him. “You hid?”

“She was kind of stalker-y, man. She wouldn’t take a hint.” Dean said, catching his fingers. They held hands for a moment before Cas sighed and said, “As much fun as I have had this evening, I do have to get home. I have work to finish. And,” Cas raised a finger, “We all have to prepare for the interns that will be interviewing with us on Tuesday. And the new nanny interviews on Monday. I believe that there is a contract to be drawn up for Ruby’s new side job and Dean has that meeting with Crowley and Balthazar for the new campaign, also on Monday.”

Everyone groaned but gave in. Dean and Cas piled into Dean’s car and dropped Cas off at his own house on the way home. Before he got out, Cas leaned over and kissed Dean, lingering for a moment longer than he had before. Suddenly Cas grabbed his hand and said, “Come in.” Dean, breathless now, nodded and turned into the driveway. They both left the car, Cas dragging Dean up the walkway, both of them slipping on the ice that was forming there. Dean prayed to remember to put salt down later.

Cas pushed him through the door and when they were in there, Dean tugged the leather jacket off Cas while he pushed Dean’s jacket down and away as though it offended. Cas then worked his too cold fingers up Dean’s shirt and he gasped at the contact, realizing how hot he was burning underneath Castiel’s hands. He threw his head back and clipped a framed picture of the two of them at a barbeque. It fell and the glass shattered at his feet. He grabbed Castiel’s hips and directed him to the living room, walking backwards. They were too caught up in each other to remember the small footstool and Dean’s feet got caught in it and he landed hard on his back, clipping the sofa. He pulled Cas with him who landed on him with an awkward grunt. Cas pulled at Dean’s shirt until he sat up and tore it off, tugging at Castiel’s own shirt and growling, “Off, off!” When they were finally bare skin to bare skin, Dean gasped, stunned at how hot Castiel burned on top of him. Cas began to work his way down, nipping at the tender parts of Dean’s flesh, licking a slow stripe up his chest and gently nibbling at the soft area of his belly. Dean moaned and arched up into his touch, barely aware of the cold floor beneath him when Cas reached for his belt. But as the sound of his zipper coming down reached his ears, Dean stilled, grasping at Castiel’s hands.

“Dude, I’ve never-“

“Color me surprised.” Cas said flatly, arching an eyebrow. “Believe me, I know.”

Dean nodded and sucked in a deep breath while Cas continued his travails. He grasped the edge of Dean’s jeans and nudged Dean’s hips up and pulled his pants down. Dean was unnaturally grateful that he had decided to purchase that brand new package of super soft cotton boxers from the department store last month. Castiel’s mouth hovered over his erection and Dean ground his teeth together in frustration.

“We can stop here.” Castiel muttered from somewhere around Dean’s upper thighs.

“I can kick your ass.” Dean counter offered.

“As long as you are sure.” Cas said.

Against all the voices screaming in his head and his own lack of blood circulating in his brain he propped himself up on one elbow and reached the other hand down to Castiel’s rough chin.

“I’m so sure, that I’m about to offer myself up to you in every conceivable manner if you don’t get on with it, man. I’m not going to lie to you.” Dean took a deep breath and looked him right in the eye. “I’m really, really, uh, god. Ok.” He stared at Castiel and said, “I’m really… fond of you.”

And he might have made it through that small sentence if Cas hadn’t tilted his head to the side and smirked. But Dean was not able to maintain that persona and started laughing helplessly. “Oh my god, Cas. You should have seen your face! You were ready to run out of your own house in a panic-“ He stopped in mid-sentence when Castiel pinched him hard right above his nipple. Dean yelped.

“Dean, if that counts as funny, you might as well take care of this,” Cas said, drawing himself up to his heels and gesturing between them where Dean was already missing the delicious friction of moments ago, “Yourself.”

“No!” Dean cried out, reaching back up for Cas. “No, I’m sorry, blue bird. I’m sorry.” He said, nuzzling his lips into Castiel’s; something more or less a kiss. “I’m sorry.” He said again.

Unwarranted of his own decision, Castiel’s hands found Dean’s hips again, his mouth, that tasty part of his hip. Dean muttered his name, a prayer on his lips that he knew by heart.

When Castiel stripped him of all his clothes and his best friend lay sprawled out on the hardwood of his floor, his heart dropped to his stomach. This beautiful man, so clearly made for him, could leave him and destroy him. He could say a few sentences and leave Dean desolate.

It was for these reasons and a few more that Castiel did not hesitate to take Dean in his mouth, feeling him heavy and hard on his tongue, using every bit of concentrated experience on him; and when Dean reached down and gripped his hair, he did not move his mouth away but rather reveled in the feel of Dean coming apart, bit by bit in his mouth.

When Cas finally crawled up to Dean, he found that Dean could barely move. “What- what did you do to me? I feel-“

“Yeah, I have that effect.” Cas said arrogantly. He licked his lips and Dean watched that move, transfixed.

“I’ll have to learn your trademarks.” Dean said, rolling over on to his side, sliding one of his legs in between Castiel’s.

“It takes time. And patience.” Cas said seriously.

“I bet I can find a guinea pig.”

“Dean, I do not wish to spend any time in jail. I have expressed these wishes to you before.”

“Well, I hope you have the patience of a monk. Let’s get started.”

“Now?”

“Now.”

~~~

The next morning, Dean woke to his face buried in a pillow that was not his and he had a sleep-blurry panicked thought that he had gone to the bar the night before and picked someone up. He hadn’t done that in ages, not since Cas had frowned at him that one time he had to come pick up Dean from a crazy woman’s house-

But then he breathed deeply and everything was so suddenly Cas that the panic melted away. He was alone in Castiel’s much too large bed and he flailed for a moment, looking for Cas. When he came up empty handed, he sighed deeply and rolled over.

There, in the corner of the room, in an overstuffed chair was Cas. Reading glasses and a pair of low slung sweats were around his hips and that was it. Dean was sore and his arms and jaw ached. But seeing Cas curled up with glasses and a mug of coffee was well worth it.

“Hi.” Dean said from his nest.

“Good morning, Dean.” Cas said, flicking his eyes to the clock next to the bed. “Did you sleep well?”

“I did. Have you been up long?” He asked, stretching. He collapsed against the bed once more and looked back at Cas. He smirked at Dean.

“A few hours, yes. You snore.”

“Nobody’s perfect, sweetheart.” Dean said, tossing the covers aside and standing up. He headed to the bathroom and was at a loss for a moment. They always stayed at Dean’s place so he had no toothbrush here at Castiel’s.

“I think, after last night, it would be ok for you to use my toothbrush.” Cas said from his chair. His eyes raked from the bottoms of Dean’s feet to the top of his bed head and Dean did not miss that blatantly hungry look in his eyes.

“Are you going to keep looking at me like I’m a piece of meat? Because I can’t handle that,” Dean said pointing at Cas, “At work. I’m just going to let you know right now.” He started brushing his teeth in earnest.

“You’re naked, Dean. How else should I look at you?” Cas asked and stood. He tossed his book on the bed and strode over to the bathroom where he wrapped an arm around Dean’s waist. Dean continued to brush his teeth but held Castiel’s gaze for a long moment in the mirror before winking and bending over to spit in the sink. Cas groaned out loud.

“You are hopeless.” Dean said, wiping his mouth clean. Cas rubbed himself against Dean almost like a cat and scraped his teeth against the tendons of his neck.

“You give me hope.” Cas said.

“And kind of romantic.” Dean said, gripping the edge of the sink hard, refusing to let Cas see how much his movements were affecting him.

“You want romance?” Cas growled into his ear, licking a long, slow stripe against his neck. He spun him around so that they were face to face and nibbled on his bottom lip gently. “’You and I,’” He whispered, growling into his mouth, “’It’s as though we have been taught to kiss in heaven,’” Kissed Dean, open mouth, hungry, full of want and tenderness but still dirty, “’And sent down to earth together, to see if we know what we were taught.’”

And Dean whimpered, unable to hold back his reaction anymore, rolling his head back so that Cas could have full access to his neck. He laid three sweet kisses on his neck and whispered, “’I cannot let you burn me up,’” And gripped Dean’s hips hard and brought him close to him so that Dean could feel how hard Cas was as well. Dean raised his hands to Castiel’s sweat pants and undid them with shaking hands. “’Nor can I resist you.’” Dean groaned out loud as he fisted them both in his hand and Cas hissed before continuing, “’No mere human can stand in a fire and not be consumed.’”

Dean started pumping them both and watched as Castiel’s head rolled back. “More.” Dean demanded, gripping them both tight. Dean shoved him hard against the opposite wall, crashing them both there with a dull thud. "’Doubt thou the stars are fire,’” Dean bowed his head to Castiel’s collarbone, sucking a hard bruise there. Castiel moaned and Dean could feel his knees begin to buckle between them. “Go on.” Dean whispered.

“’Doubt that the sun doth move,’” Castiel moaned as Dean began to pump them both faster.

“Keep going, angel.” Dean begged.

“’Doubt truth to be a liar,’” Cas managed to remember, both sliding to the floor now, Dean’s mouth settling on Castiel’s shoulder.

“’But never doubt I love.’" He growled and felt Dean come first over his own fist followed swiftly by Cas. Cas slumped against the wall and Dean collapsed on his back against the cold tile floor. Cas reached above him for the towel he knew was just to the right of him and above, pulling it down and cleaning Dean up gently. He cleaned himself up and tossed the towel in the hamper by Dean’s feet. He laid down against Dean, their shoulders bumping.

“Jesus Christ.” Dean said, his eyes still closed.

“I think you have a fetish.” Castiel confirmed.

“I’ve got one for you.” Dean said. Cas turned his head to look at Dean.

“Oh, really?”

"’If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.’" Dean said, a grin tugging at his lips.

“I’ve never heard that one before.”

“It’s Winnie the Pooh, Cas.” Dean said.

Their laughter echoed in the bathroom and they stayed on the floor until the tile wasn’t cold anymore.

~~~

They had the talk later on that day. They agreed to keep things as professional at work as they had been lately. Few people believed them, lately, that they were still platonic friends so coming out as a couple would not cause any more waves. They decided to ask Sam and Jess to keep the official news off the radar; it would just be easier that way.

~~~

So Monday morning the only difference was that Cas leaned over for a quick kiss before handing over Dean’s coffee. They parted ways at the eighth floor, where Cas had his office and they shared that same look they always did and Dean headed up to the twelfth floor. At his desk, he sent his usual good morning email to Cas and started to prepared himself for his ten thirty meeting with Crowley and Balthazar Nolan, heads of the Devil May Care line of leather cuff watches. The pictures and campaign sailed over smoothly, even Crowley admitting that the pictures were defining for the entire line. At twelve, Sam, Jess, Krissy and Cas all convened in Dean’s office, Jess handing out warmed lasagna.

“So. Missouri is finishing the preliminary interviews for the new nanny today. We get our first round picks starting this afternoon.” Jess started. Dean nodded and Cas handed him a napkin. He wiped his mouth and swallowed.

“Will we be meeting the candidates?” Cas asked.

“If any of them can make it past Missouri.” Sam said. “Krissy loves her. Is there really no way to keep her?”

“We already pay her an exorbitant amount of money, Sam. If she wants to leave, that’s her prerogative.” Cas said pointedly. Dean nodded. His mouth was still full. He loved Jess’ lasagna.

Sam sighed heavily. Missouri was something of a mother figure to Sam, scolding him and occasionally fixing his tie. But now her daughter was living on the Virgin Islands and expecting her first child. She was a teacher and the man had left so Missouri felt a family obligation (and excitement, to be honest) to help her daughter out in a time of need.

“She’ll find someone amazing.” Jess soothed. Krissy snored away in Dean’s seat and the meeting continued uninterrupted. They planned, cautiously, for Thanksgiving and everyone left except for Krissy who continued to snore away in Dean’s chair. After they left Dean began to shuffle through new model’s headshots. A half hour later, Krissy woke up, and Dean scooped her up in his arms and went in search of her parents. They found them in a conference room, speaking to a woman in her mid-twenties. Upon seeing Dean, she raked him over and all but glared. Krissy glared back and Dean felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced over at Cas. The young woman looked for a second too long at his hand and Dean gathered Krissy closer.

“Dean. Castiel. This is Gwen Campbell-“ Jess started.

“No.” Cas said, practically snatching Krissy from Dean’s arms and leaving the room without another word. Dean looked back between Cas and Jess and Sam and shrugged. He turned and chased after Cas, catching up to him just outside of Jess’ office.

“What was that about?” Dean asked.

“I don’t like her Dean. Which, as I’m sure you will point out is not entirely unusual, and I would have to agree but neither do I trust her with Krissy.”

Dean opened his mouth to protest but then he remember the way her dark eyes lingered too long on the way Cas had held his shoulder and he felt a familiar cringe at the back of his neck. He had waited for this; this judgment, this type of condemnation. It could have been why he had waited years to admit to his sneaking thoughts of Cas and the thoughts he had in the shower and late at night; thoughts he would never admitted to in the light of a plain, bright day or soberly. He fought against his natural instinct to shrink away from Cas for a second and just for a fleeting second he was ashamed of himself. Then he tucked himself up against Cas, mashing Krissy between them.

“I understand.”

Dean kissed him roughly on the forehead and pulled away. Jess and Sam entered just then and Sam raised his eyebrows.

“So, I guess she’s out, huh?” Sam asked.

“It’s only my opinion.” Cas said

“I didn’t really like her.” Jess said, leaning against her desk. She shrugged. “Castiel’s opinion just confirmed it for me.”

“What time is the next one?” Dean asked. Cas passed Krissy over to Sam.

“Thirty minutes.” Sam said.

They swiftly went through three more potential sitters; Naomi, Bela and Lisa. Lisa seemed to be the only that came close to satisfying the four of them. Cas remained uneasy about her but would not name the reason. At four o’clock, even Krissy was irritated with everyone and tired. Dean leaned back in his conference chair and Cas placed a hand over his forearm and began to tap out a beat. Michael strode in, Ruby trailing behind him.

“I thought I would find you here.” He said to Dean. “Balthazar will not stop speaking of those photographs and, of course, of Ruby. The campaign has been given a green light by both parties.” He smiled. “Good job, Dean.” Michael looked over at everyone else. “How go the interviews?”

“Horrendously. If these are the people Missouri are suitable for the job, I am genuinely concerned for those that did not make it.” Cas said.

“Lisa was ok.” Jess protested.

“Nothing to write home about.” Cas said haughtily, his affluent upbringing shining through in his tone.

“We have one more.” Sam said. “Let’s cross our fingers, ok?”

Sam’s assistant, Garth, entered just then. “Your next appointment is here. Should I show her in?”

Michael raised a finger and turned to Ruby. “How does our afternoon look?”

“You don’t have anything until seven thirty.” She said with barely a glance down at her tablet. Michael gestured at her to come closer and they all pulled their chairs closer to the conference table. Krissy, who sat at the table scribbling on some paper Cas had stolen from the copy machine, scooted over to Ruby and touched the tip of her tablet and looked at her with questioning eyes. Ruby grinned at her and Dean decided that he would do a photo shoot with the two of them. They were a study in contrasts, a child to a woman, Krissy’s fairness playing against the olive complexion of Ruby. Ruby swiped her tablet and turned it to Krissy. Krissy grinned and clapped her hands together and flipped open the page to her favorite saved apps.

“Yeah, go ahead and show her in.” Sam said in a tired voice. Dean reached over and began to twist the thick silver ring on his right hand. Castiel’s fingers lingered on his wrist and it took the lack of his warmth there for Dean to even notice that his fingers were there.

The young lady entered through the front doors and Jess smiled warmly at her. She couldn’t have been more than twenty and when Dean looked at her resume, he confirmed that very fact. She had extensive experience and four references dating back years. She was studying for her early childhood degree via an online course and had thus far maintained a 3.89 GPA which could be confirmed by the transcripts that she provided. Instead of taking the seat that was proffered, at the head of the table, she sat down next to Ruby, close to Krissy but not so close that she seemed overeager. Her smile was bright and wide and Dean’s heart stopped-

“Jo?” He asked. Cas’ head swiveled to meet his and Dean gestured to the girl. “Jo. The girl from the park. Bright blue shirt, the rest of the photo was monochromatic-“

“You’re the guy from the park!” She said, the realization dawning on her face.

“So you’ve met?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow at his brother.

“She was just a momentary model.” Dean said. Castiel settled his fingers against Dean’s wrist lightly once more.

They watched as Krissy scooted forward to Jo to show the tablet. Krissy grinned at Jo and Jo grinned back. She tucked her hair behind her ear and said, “What do you have there, little miss?”

“She doesn’t talk much.” Jess said.

“Nah, she doesn’t need to.” Jo said, her concentration on Krissy. “She’ll talk when she needs to.”

“That’s what the doctor says.” Sam confirmed, leaning forward. Jo spun the tablet in Krissy’s hands around and Jo took one delicate finger in her hand and had Krissy draw out a very careful cat.

“What’s your name, sweet girl?” Jo asked softly. Cas leaned forward and Dean watched, brow furrowed.

His niece borrowed the expression and stared at Jo. Jo repeated the question. Krissy’s expression cleared and she said, very softly, “Kissy.”

“Kissy.” Jo repeated. “I like kissys.” Jo took her finger and drew out a very careful K this time. “Kissy.” She said and Krissy grinned.

“When would you be able to start, JoAnna?” Michael asked from his seat, fingers steepled underneath his chin.

“Tomorrow.” Jo said casually as she showed Krissy how to draw an apple in red followed by a large capital A. “Is this hers?” Jo asked.

“No, but if it would help, we could get her one. This evening, if Dean is amiable.” Cas said immediately.

“Me?” Dean asked.

“You’re the one driving. I’m the one with the company credit card. Yes, Dean. You.” Cas said.

“It would be helpful. What other things does she have here?” Jo asked. Her concentration was really on Krissy as Krissy attempted to replicate Jo’s very neat A. “Very good.” Jo murmured to Krissy encouragingly. “Can we do it again?” Krissy bent her head in concentration once again.

“Other things?” Sam asked.

“Well, the way I see it, you are hiring an on-site nanny for one child because one of you, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Krissy’s mom, is too valuable to lose. So,” She turned her big blue eyes to Michael who was seated next to Cas, “I imagine that you would facilitate her learning process in any and every way possible. Art supplies, manipulatives, mats for kinesthetic learning, a considerable library for her to peruse. That sort of thing.” Jo shrugged and tucked her hair behind her ear. Jess turned to Sam and looked incredibly smug.

“We can begin purchasing whatever Krissy needs tomorrow.” Michael said. “I will get in contact with contractors tomorrow to requisition a room for her use. Will that suffice?”

“I believe so.” Jo said. Krissy turned the tablet back to show Jo her the newest letter on it. “Oh that is so good, baby girl.” Jo said. Krissy beamed.

“We’ll expect you bright and early in the morning then. We usually get here between eight thirty and nine.” Jess said. Jo nodded. She didn’t seem remotely surprised that she had gotten the job. “Until her room is ready, we will show you around the office.”

“That sounds great.” Jo said, standing. Krissy stood as well, the tablet tucked neatly underneath her arm and reached for Jo with the other. Jo picked her up as easily and naturally as she had been doing this as long as Missouri. “I’ll be here first thing in the morning and we’ll get started. Oh, you little starlight, I have so many things to show you.” She told Krissy conspiratorially. Dean blinked and looked over at Cas who seemed a little dazed. Their eyes met and neither one of them could think of any reason to raise any doubts.

“How did my picture turn out, Dean?” Jo asked.

“I bought it.” Cas said. “It’s hanging in my office right now, if you would like to take a look.”

“You hung it in your office?” Dean asked, turning to look at Cas.

“Of course I did. The chess match is in there as well.” Cas said.

“Jesus Christ.” Dean muttered.

“I’d like to take a look.” Jo said.

“Yes, I would like to take a look as well.” Michael said, standing up. Jess and Sam followed suit and they all trooped into the elevator. Jo carried Krissy and as they entered the elevator she asked what floor.

“Eight.” Cas said.

“Can you show me eight, baby girl?” Jo asked. Krissy pushed the appropriate number. “You sure are a smart little girl.” Jo said thoughtfully.

They all made their way to Castiel’s office, located in the middle of many cubicles. The people underneath him bowed their heads when in invented concentration. Dean knew they were faking because Cas could be such a pushover that at four thirty most people started socializing and getting ready for home. He glanced at the digital clock in the corner and saw that it was just before four fifty.

However, when the heads of Legal, Accounting, Marketing and President of the entire company make their way through your office, you better be working on something.

They entered Castiel’s glassed in office and the pictures hung to the left and right of his desk on the walls. Jo walked up to the picture of her and eyed it suspiciously for a minute.

“That’s me?” She asked.

“That’s you.” Dean confirmed.

Michael stood before the chess match, studying the old men’s faces. “I think I would like to see your portfolio, Dean. I like this. Castiel, would you be willing to part with it?”

Cas smirked at Dean, his whole expression saying I told you so, dumbass. “Sorry, Michael. I paid good money for that.”

“Dean made you pay?” Sam asked.

“No. But I told him he couldn’t take any pictures of me if he didn’t let me pay him for these.”

“I don’t want to know about your guy’s freaky sex life.” Sam said.

“Hey!” Dean said, offended.

“This is terribly appropriate behavior for a new employee.” Michael said sarcastically.

“That’s really me?” Jo asked again.

“That’s you.” Dean confirmed once again.

“Wow.” She said. “You’re good.”

Jess nodded and stood by Michael. Dean watched as they tilted their head to the side to contemplate the picture. “I’m excited to see the ones you took of Krissy.” She said.

“Ok, ok. Can we go home now? Jo got the job and I take ok pictures.”

Michael turned to him and frowned. Dean frowned back. “Dean, you have to understand that we are not complimenting you as friends or colleagues. You have genuine talent here. I might have to ask you to join Meg on some photography sessions. This talent of yours is too blatant to merely pass up.” Michael’s eyes glinted a dangerous, dark color. “Especially for a businessman such as myself.” He turned back to the picture and then turned to Ruby who had thus far remained silent. “Ruby, are we still in touch with Ash?”

“Not for the past several months.” She said. “But I will be attending an opening at his gallery next week.”

“I would like him and Dean to meet.” Michael said.

“Whoa, wait, what?” Dean asked.

“A, uh, friend of the company’s. Ash. He has a gallery that features up and coming artists. It is the premiere place to feature your photos. I believe it would be in your best interest-“

“Too fast, Michael.” Castiel muttered.

“Yeah, I’ll have to think about it.” Dean said, backing towards the door. “I’ll meet you at the car, yeah, Cas?”

Before Castiel could answer, Dean hightailed it out of the office and headed for his own. Arriving there, he saw black dots dance in front of his eyes and clutched the door handle for a long moment, gasping out harried breaths before he could remind himself that he was still in control and he could still stop this crazy train before it got too out of hand. He could still slip it away, push it into a corner and forget that this whole thing that happened. He could continue working at his profitable and enjoyable job. He didn’t have to go to gallery openings or negotiate a price with potential buyers or learn light or composition or how to bullshit with people he didn’t know-

He stopped his line of thought forcibly and began to gather his things together, rolling his shirt sleeves down, buttoning them, and shrugged into his jacket. He gathered the pictures together into an envelope and tossed them into his briefcase along with the resumes of the interns for tomorrow that Garth had so helpfully provided. He focused on what his hands needed to do and they eventually steadied by the time he made it down to his car. Cas joined him shortly thereafter. Dean reached over and gathered him close, kissing him deeply. Cas returned the kiss and afterwards he said, “I can gather a suit from my house and stay tonight?”

Dean nodded. His best friend knew what he needed. A rock. Someone to steady him. “Yeah, I think that would be great.”

~~~

They sat at Dean’s coffee table, Cas on the couch with his laptop on his knees, a burger in front of him. He frowned at the screen in front of him and Dean had pictures scattered in front of him. Dean sighed. He felt Cas card his hand through Dean’s hair and Dean leaned into the touch and closed his eyes.

“I don’t like any of these dudes-“ He began

“Good to hear.” Cas muttered back.

“-for Ruby.” Dean finished.

“What’s wrong with them?” Cas said, sitting back and looking at the pictures in front of Dean.

“They’re too much. This one is too pretty. This one is too thin. This one is too muscular. This one needs to take a week off the tanning bed. I don’t know, man,” Dean sighed. “I was looking for a bad boy. Someone who could sport a leather jacket and a smirk like pulling someone out the flames of hell isn’t a thing. But who could wear a suit in the next picture and people would buy it. Young and old at the same time. I don’t make any sense.” Dean finished, frowning at the pictures still. Cas closed his laptop and swung a leg over Dean so that he was between his thighs and began to rub the tight muscles at his shoulders.

“You’ll find him.” Cas said confidently.

“Glad one of us has faith in me.”

“That is your problem, Dean.” Cas said and leaned forward to place a kiss behind his ear. “You have no faith.”

Dean turned and sat up on his knees and buried his face in Castiel’s neck. He wrapped him up in a bear hug and pulled him down on the floor so that Cas sat in Dean’s lap and wrapped his legs around Dean’s hips, cradled in his body. He breathed in the scent of Cas, rain and ozone and earth and hid himself even further into his neck.

“This isn’t about the models, is it Dean?” Cas asked, running his hands up and down Dean’s back.

“Can we pretend for a little longer that it is?” Dean asked.

“Sure.” Cas said. “What is it about the models that scares you so much?”

Dean paused before answering carefully. “I have this voice screaming in the back of the head that the models I choose aren’t going to be good enough.”

Cas cradled Dean’s head for a long moment before asking, “What scares you more, that the models won’t be good enough or that your sheer talent for picking out those models will astound everyone you know?”

“What if I’ve wasted all this time picking out models when I should have, you know, been picking out models?”

“You can start picking out models any time you want, Dean. Or you can stay and continue picking out models. Either instance is your choice.” Cas said. Dean sighed. He kissed Castiel’s neck lightly and Cas’ hands stilled on his back for a second. Dean kissed him again, working his hands between them so he could unbutton Castiel’s shirt.

“You know, people are always tossing around the words I love you. But you never hear anyone say, I like you. It’s so unpredictable, just liking someone.” Dean said. He pulled Castiel’s shirt away from him and licked his collarbone. “Liking someone is so conditional and I can’t think of a time when I didn’t just like you. I do. I like you like when I was fourteen and weird and awkward and didn’t know how to talk to this girl I liked. But I can talk to you.” Dean paused and kissed Castiel’s chest, where he could feel his heart beating. “I just don’t know what I’m talking about.”

“Just keep talking, baby.” Cas said. “I’m right here.”

Dean got up on his knees and stood, with some effort, and carried Cas back to his bedroom. He dumped him on the bed unceremoniously and said, “It’s not like I don’t see what you guys do. I do.” He took off Castiel’s socks and threw them in the far corner of the room. “I see the colors or sometimes the lack of colors,” Dean undid Castiel’s pants and slid them down his thighs and tossed them away as well. “And I like what I see. It’s not like I think it’s horrendous or anything.” Dean nudged Cas so that he would crawl higher up on the bed and knelt between his legs. Dean slid his hands beneath Cas, pulling his body up to him to meet his mouth. He licked his chest and nipples, nibbling lightly there before working his way down. “I see what you do but I also see what you don’t.” He nuzzled the divot near Castiel’s hip and sighed. He laid his cheek there a minute and distractedly worked a hand over Castiel’s hardening erection. “I see people who are better than me. I see people who have been doing this for years and know what they are doing.” He sighed and sat up. Dean slid Castiel’s boxers off and ran his fingertips down his thighs. Cas had his eyes closed and was breathing heavily. “Do you understand?”

“Yes. But there will always be someone better than you. It should just give you reason to be better as well.” Cas said, his eyes scrunched closed. “It should give you reason to do what you do but be better every single time.” Dean stroked him up and down a couple times and he gasped. Dean grinned and decided to put him out of his misery. He leaned over and licked Castiel, from root to tip and then swallowed him down. Cas groaned and dug his nails into Dean’s shoulders. Dean worked him with both his hand and mouth, swirling the head around with his tongue before going back down as far as he could and then doing it over and over again until he felt Cas gasp and swallowed him down once more. Cas came in his mouth and Dean swallowed, just like Cas taught him.

“You’re getting better at that.” Cas whispered completely spent.

“I had a good teacher.” Dean replied softly.    

~~~

Interviews for both Marketing and Accounting interns started promptly at ten the next morning. For the next three days, Dean and Cas, along with their assistants and select employees would interview interns for prime paying internships. These internships were crucial the student’s academic and eventual career. The competition was cutthroat, seeing as Michael’s company and one other company were the only ones available in the city during the Christmas holiday and were amicable to student’s spring schedules. Dean and Castiel had themselves been interns when Michael’s company had been much smaller.

The first three interviews were totally unremarkable until, during the third interview, Castiel entered and placed his new contract next to him that included his payment for the photos of Ruby. “I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Winchester. But I need to get this signed as soon as possible and Chuck was too scared to interrupt your interview.” Dean leaned back into his chair and smiled at the young man across from him.

“Excuse me, for just a second Uriel. Accounting can be demanding when their paperwork isn’t on time.”

Dean perused the paperwork for a moment and barely noticed Castiel’s fingertips on his wrist again. When he did, he looked up to see Uriel’s eyes trace the movement and the slight flare of his nostrils. Dean signed the contract with a flourish and passed the paperwork back to Cas.

“Thank you, Mr. Novak. I can expect you for lunch?” Dean said politely.

“Of course, Mr. Winchester.” Cas said, with a raised eyebrow. He left with the paperwork and Dean turned back to the Uriel.

“I thank you for your time, Uriel. We will get back to you about the position in five to ten working days.”

Uriel smiled and Dean could tell it was taking every inch of his being to do so. “Thank you, Mr. Winchester.”

As he left, Dean tossed the file to Ed and Harry who was across the table from him. “He’s sure as hell not getting the position.”

Ed nodded and placed a red X on the file and filed it back into a box at his feet. Harry turned back to Dean. “I didn’t know you and Mr. Novak were dating.”

Dean shrugged. “It’s a new thing.” He rolled his shoulders and said, “Is our next candidate here?”

“Zachariah. Yes. I’ll show him in.” Ed said.

Dean nodded and sat back. “This is going to be one of those days, isn’t it?”

Ed and Harry looked at each other and back at Dean. “Fraid so, Mr. Winchester.”

And thus began a particular pattern. During each interview, Castiel would show up and have something for Dean to sign or look over. After the first two times, he caught on. Cas would finger the edge of Dean’s suit or brush his fingers against the back his neck. Something meaningless unless you saw how Castiel looked down at Dean; possessive, wanting and tender. When Dean began to return the favor they began a silent part of the interview. If these people could not handle the Winchester/Novak team, they were eliminated. Those who noted the touches of affection but did not show any outward signs of disgust were put in the “maybe” pile and those that didn’t even blink were sent to the next round of interviews.

That night Cas stayed at his own house. Dean forgot even though he had been doing this for years, how exhausting it was to interview the interns and determine who not only had the intelligence and spirit for marketing but also the desperation. You had to be desperate to want this job. And hungry. You had to be able to go in for the kill. That was why Dean worked so well in his job. He knew what it took to close a deal and wasn’t afraid to go after it.

So Dean heated up some soup, ate it in front of the TV and fell asleep almost while he was brushing his teeth.

The next morning he got up and did it all over again, both him and Castiel trading paperwork during the interviews and watching for reactions. The potential interns were outstanding; they had to be to get past the first round picks. But a fair number of them were eliminated based on their reactions to Dean and Castiel.

And so the second day ended with little fanfare. On the way home, Dean turned to Castiel. “Can you stay? I sleep better when you are near.”

Castiel nodded. “I was thinking the same thing. Just stop so I can get my suit for tomorrow.”

And so that night, Cas ended up draped across Dean without a single stitch of clothing between them. Dean fell asleep and slept without worry.

Getting ready with Castiel was an undiscovered pleasure for Dean. He watched Castiel get ready, suit meticulous as always. Then, Castiel buttoned his shirt and tied his tie and pulled his jacket over his shoulders. There was something strangely erotic to waking up with Cas, showering with him and seeing all the little intimate ways that he got himself ready and then replicating those same movements on Dean.

The interviews this morning started earlier than they were used to. They left earlier, barely beating traffic and making it in record time to their offices. Dean forgot about their promise to keep their relationship as professional as possible during the work day and stole a barely-there kiss from Cas in the elevator. As Cas walked away he turned back.

“Lunch at twelve? I want to try that Italian place Jess was talking about.”

“I’ll come get you.” Dean said. He lifted his hand in a goodbye and Cas smiled. Their interviews took place in meeting rooms across the hall from each other on the tenth floor so it was really unnecessary for Dean to come get him, but he felt better having said it.

The interviews that day were as uninspiring as the ones the day before and when they finally broke for lunch, Dean all but ran from the building.

“Did you find anyone?” Cas asked as Dean tugged him out of the way of incoming foot traffic.

“No. Each one of them tries to be too different or too business like or something else is wrong with them.” Cas tugged him out of the way of a mother and her small daughter. It struck Dean he hadn’t seen Krissy in days. “There is no stand out star. And all I have left is this afternoon’s interviews.” They entered the restaurant and Cas raised a hand at the man in the uniform in the front.

“Jessica Winchester called ahead for us.” Cas said. They were quickly ushered into a corner table and a waiter arrived with a bread basket and glasses of water. Cas ordered the chicken parmigana and Dean ordered the shrimp alfredo.

“I don’t want this year to be the first year I didn’t pick an intern.” Dean said, leaning away from his plate awhile later and ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up in tufted ends.

“It’s not a big deal if you don’t. In fact, it’s actually a great deal less work for you if you don’t.” Cas reached over and patted Dean’s hair down. “And you won’t be the first one to do it. Sam and Jess didn’t find anyone worth their time last year and they didn’t pick anyone. Michael scolded them but they were none the worse for wear.”

Dean caught Castiel’s hand as he pulled it away and kissed his knuckles before letting go. “You’re right. I’m stressing for nothing. If I don’t find anyone, I don’t find anyone.” He sighed and asked, “Ready?”

Cas smiled. “Of course, Dean.”

Dean paid and they left the restaurant, retracing their steps back to the office. They spoke in low tones to each other, Dean counting off the last five interviews of the day. They passed by an alley where there was a small gathering of people and glanced down the dirty side street. One woman was pulling her phone out of her purse and two teenage boys seemed uncertain of their own actions. Dean caught a glance of what was going down and stopped.

Two men held a younger man between them while a third punched him in the stomach. Dean pushed through the small gathering of people and said, “Hey!”

The two holding the slimmer man between them turned their heads to him. “Fucking cowards! Why don’t you try something when the odds are a little better?”

The one throwing the punches turned to Dean and sneered and threw another punch. Dean ducked under it, hooked his arm under the other man’s arm and chin and threw him to the dirty ground. Behind him, he heard a decisive crunch and a yelp. The other man underneath him struggled for a moment until Dean slugged him as hard as he could in the jaw, after which he lost his tenuous hold on consciousness. He looked back at Cas who was calmly standing over one of the men who had been holding the other man. The other man was at his feet, holding a mess of blood that was his face. Cas was looking down at him calmly and said, “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, baby. You ok?” Dean stood and brushed the dirt from his slacks. He held a hand out to the young man on the ground who gripped his forearm tightly and Dean hauled him up. He was wearing a suit, same as Dean and Cas.

“I’m fine. How are you, young man?”

He looked down at his suit and frowned at the obvious spots of dirt. “I’m fine. I’ll be ok.”

“Did you know them?” Dean asked of the two men on the floor.

“No. They just stopped me and asked for a light and when I said I didn’t smoke, they hauled me in here and started beating the holy hell out of me. I don’t know-“ He stopped talking and looked at Cas who had a hand lightly around Dean’s wrist once more and looked back up at them. His eyes were serious. “Tell me the truth.”

Cas and Dean looked at him expectantly.

“How bad is it?” He asked gesturing to his face. “I have an interview in an hour.”

Dean winced at the man’s swelling lip and the cut on his cheekbone. “It could be worse?” He hazarded.

“Where are you interviewing at? We could put in a word of what happened here.” Cas said.

“The Angel Network. The internships just opened up and I finally got an interview. I was really hoping-“ He sighed. “No way Michael Andeo is going to let his Marketing director hire someone who looks like this.”

“The Angel Network?” Dean asked, whistling. He caught Castiel’s eyes and raised his eyebrows and nodded at Adam. “We’ve worked with those guys.”

“You guys are in marketing?” He asked.

Dean nodded. “Out of towners though. Here on business. You sure you want to work for that company? Heard it’s tough.”

“Yeah but the Angels are at the top of the league. I watched a couple dudes slug it out yesterday over getting to work with their legal department. Accounting is trying to sabotage each other. I haven’t told anyone about my interview because-“ The three of them glanced down at the men at their feet.

“You don’t think-?” Dean asked.

“I don’t know.” The young man said. “I wouldn’t be surprised. My advisor always said I was the dark horse for this interview.”

The three of them were silent. “Who is your interview with?”

“Dean Winchester, Harry Spangler and Ed Zeddmore.”

“Dean Winchester? The Dean Winchester?” Dean asked. “You really did go to the top of the heap, huh? What’s your name, kid?”

“Adam Milligan.” He replied and sighed at the tear in the elbow of his suit.

“I hear Winchester is an asshole.” Cas said. “Extremely unpleasant to work with. And is conducting an illicit affair with the head of Accounting.”

“The dude could been be banging all the heads of the departments and Michael himself, I don’t care. He’s the best of the best and I would give my left arm to work with him.”

They headed to the office and they continued to talk. Adam spoke highly of his mother who had MS but was working through her medical issues admirably. His twin sister was looking for a job as well while also attending school. Both siblings were extremely competitive, having an ongoing wager of who would buy the “Thank god we made it through another semester” drinks by seeing who had the highest GPA. Adam proudly bragged that he had won this past semester and was on track to beating his sister again this semester. While she only had a 3.89, Adam recently came in at 3.92. They headed up to the conference rooms, still listening to Adam brag about his sister and his own accomplishments, which included tutoring children in both math and science. He had been honored to be a judge at a recent science fair even though it seemed like such a small thing, he added. Cas and Dean listened intently. Catching Harry’s eye as they entered the welcoming area of the conference rooms he waved him over.

“Will you please take me to Mr. Winchester? I need to speak to him about one of his candidates.” Harry looked confused but nodded.

“Sure. Right this way.” And led him to the back where Sam and Jess were conducting their own interviews. Dean quickly explained to him the strange and slightly impromptu interview they were conducting on the kid. He agreed to keep his mouth shut and Dean took his file and read it over quickly. Everything the kid had told him was true but his resume was even more fantastic than what he thought. His grades were stellar and his letters of recommendation glowed. Dean shrugged out of his jacket and rolled his sleeves up. He raked his hands through his hair once more, attempting to lay it down a little more professionally. He sighed and let himself in on the interviews that Sam and Jess were conducting and rifled through Jess’ purse for a comb that he knew she kept in there.

“And this is the head of Marketing, Dean Winchester. My brother in law, which is why he thinks he can go through my purse. What the hell are you looking for, Dean?” Jess asked pleasantly.

“I just got in a fight with three muggers for my potential intern.” Dean said. “And now I look like crap. Look, I’ll explain later, can you just fix my hair?”

“You take the safety of your interns very seriously.” The young man they were interviewing said.

“Dean, Kevin.” Sam said, gesturing to the guy at the other end of the table. Dean smiled at him but held still as Jess whipped out a comb and some gel from her purse and fixed him up. She straightened his tie and said, “There. Off you go.”

Dean left and walked into his own conference room where Adam sat with a bottle of water. Cas leaned against a cupboard and Harry and Ed had their usual places. Dean flipped open the file in his hands.

“Adam Milligan.” Dean said. He held out his hand. “Dean Winchester. Pleased to meet you.”

“You- you’re Mr. Winchester?” Adam asked. His blue eyes widened and he opened his mouth to try to say more but all that he could manage was a squeak.

“I am. Now, let’s get down to business.” Dean said. “This is Castiel Novak, head of Accounting.” Cas smiled at him placidly. Adam buried his face in his hands, obviously remembering his comment about banging all the heads of departments. “Harry and Ed you’ve already met.” Dean sat. “Now tell me, Mr. Milligan. Why is it so important to you that you work here for us at Angel Network?”

And Adam took a deep breath, looked up, squared his shoulders and nailed the interview.

Later, when Dean was taking Adam on a tour of the entire building, they ran into Sam and Jess leading the same tour for Kevin. They teamed up, taking the two of them through the ins and outs of building and briefly introducing them around. They stopped down the hall from Sam and Jess’ office to peer into the new makeshift nursery. Jo was in there with Krissy, working with her on some oversized beads and thread.

“Hey!” Adam said, opening the door to the nursery. “Jo!” He said accusingly.

“Adam!” She said in the same tone.

“What are you doing here?” They both asked.

“I work here!” They both replied.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” They both accused.

Then they both stopped and everyone watched while Jo put her hands on her hips and Adam crossed his arms across his chest.

“Twins.” Dean said helpfully to everyone else.

Adam turned to Dean and Jo turned to Jess.

“I hope this isn’t a problem-“ Adam began.

“But I really love working here-“ Jo continued.

“And the experience I am sure to gain here will help me not only with my academics-“ Adam intervened.

“But with my eventual career.” Jo finished up.

“I don’t think we can get rid of anyone based solely on the fact that they are related.” Jess said drily, looking from Dean to Sam. “As long as this does not present a problem?”

“It will not.” Both Jo and Adam replied.

Sam and Dean looked at each other and shrugged.

Krissy wandered over to Cas and held her hands up to him. She placed her newly made necklace around his neck and grinned at him. “Pretty.” She said.

“Yes it is.” Cas said, giving her a tilt of a smile. “I believe I can call it a day, don’t you?”

Dean nodded. “We can take down our internships down from the bulletin.” He turned to Castiel. “Did you find who you needed?”

“I did. Very quick young man.” Michael signaled for them to leave the room and they all followed him out the room. “He comes highly recommended and does community work on the weekends. He works with children extensively. I hope that his work here does not impede the work he does for them.”

“We can work with him in that case.” Michael said. Ruby was looking down at her tablet in her hands and making notes. They stopped off at the twelfth floor where everyone but Michael and Ruby exited the elevator. Sam, Jess and Jo left with Krissy down the hall and Cas and Dean showed Adam his office that was right next to Dean’s.

“I get my own office?” Adam said, looking around. It wasn’t much really, just the size of Dean’s closet at home with a desk, a chair, a filing cabinet and a small table in the corner. It did have a spectacular view of the city but Dean knew from experience that it would be freezing in a week or so with that huge floor to ceiling glass window. He hoped he still had his space heater in the closet of his own office to give to the kid.

“It’s not much.” Cas said with a shrug, reading Dean’s thoughts. “But it is serviceable.”

“Cas and I live on the other side of town. We usually get here between eight thirty and nine thirty every day, depending on traffic. I expect you to be here same time, suit and tie like everyone else and ready to work.”

“Mr. Novak and you…?” Adam started.

“Yes?” Cas said, watching Adam carefully.

“Live on the east side of town? Why would you live there and work over here?” Adam asked. “That is a hell of a drive.”

“The company used to be housed over on the east side.” Dean said.

“Oh. Well that makes sense.” Adam straightened himself up visibly and glanced out the window. “Tomorrow at eight. I’ll be here.”

“All right. I’m going to pack it in. You can see yourself out?”

“Yes, sir.” Adam said. He raised a hand to them as they left him in his tiny office.

Dean closed the door behind him and leaned against it. “Thank god that’s over. Let’s go home.”

Cas nodded. “Today was exhausting.”

Dean reached out and grabbed Cas. He hauled him in for a rough kiss and then let him go, leaving the both of them winded.

“Our agreement was to not do that at work.” Cas said.    

"I know but I needed a fix." Dean said. He stepped away but Cas reached out and pulled him in for another. Cas and Dean groaned at his own physical reaction.

"Stop that. I'm not having sex in my office. It's so cliché." Dean swatted at Cas who smiled at him.

"Let's go home so we can have not-cliché sex in your bed." Cas said.

"Our bed." Dean said. "That's our bed."

Cas glanced down at his shoes. "My mistake." He said softly but Dean noted the pleased look in his eyes and the way the tips of his ears turned pink.

~~~

The best part about dating your best friend is that you are dating your best friend. There is no awkward-I-have-an-unhealthy-obsession-with-Heinlein explanations. That part has already been explained. You slide easily past all the "Wow, I am dating a really weird guy" part to the blinding panic of "Oh my god, I'm dating a guy".

Sam and Jess didn't care. Obviously. Krissy couldn't tell any difference and as far as work was concerned, they had been dating for months now. There was no discernible difference between the first kiss and the next kiss. Not from an outsider looking in, anyway.

But to Dean, it was a world of difference. It was waking up with a warm nose and stubble buried in his chest and a strong arm around his waist. It was taking a shower and seeing bruises from where Cas had gripped him the night before. It was rough hugs and wrestling matches turned into hot, sweaty sex that neither one of them was expecting but both were prepared for. It was also the touching that drove Dean near out of his mind. It was Castiel's light fingers across his back and his own hands buried in that mess Cas called his hair. It was those bad movies they found on the horror channel and Cas clutching at him just the same.

But there was still the looks he had to deal with when they were out and Cas asked him in the grocery store, "What kind of cereal, babe?" or when Cas reached for him and there were other people around.

Finally, Dean stopped him one day when Cas was reaching for him, quite unconsciously in the gas station. Nothing big, just that strange habit he had of reaching for Dean's wrist at interminable moments. Dean batted his hand away and hissed, "Cool it for a bit, would you?"

And it was that look that Cas gave him that Dean would not forgive himself for. That brief lightning of hurt followed by a hardening of his blue eyes and tightening of his mouth. Cas shoved his hands into his jeans, that were actually Dean's but were closer in reach when they had climbed out of bed and said, "Whatever you want." He laid down his three items very gently on the nearest empty counter space and walked away. That was the barometer by which Dean knew how much he had hurt him. Cas was meticulous about putting things away where they belonged, especially in stores. He found people who threw things down willy nilly to be atrocious. But now, now Dean had hurt him and he was scrambling away from that source of pain as quickly as he could.

Maybe it wasn't the pain so much as it was the disappointment. The disappointment that showed in his heart, beating far more rapidly that it ought to have when he saw Cas walk right by the Impala and out on to the sidewalk and continue walking, that leather coat Dean had given him wrapped around his shoulders and Dean's own pants with a belt to keep it from sliding to indecent areas. The frat guys who had been staring at them watched the whole thing unfold. One of them whistled long and low. "Oh man, you are in trouble. Hope you like sleeping on the couch."

The other one, muscle bound with more tattoos than Dean had seen on anyone, "My girl made me sleep on the couch for a week for a looking at another chick. What's he gonna do to you?"

It was those joking words that worked wonders on Dean. He realized that it wasn't them. It wasn't the frat boys or the church ladies or the old guys at Bobby's garage that bothered him. It was him. It was his upbringing and how he was taught what was being a sissy or a fag was the worst thing in the world. How he was taught that hate and derision came first and love and acceptance came last. He was taught what was different was what was inherently wrong with the world and now that he had this beautiful, intelligent, articulate, innocent person in front of him offering everything that he could ever want on a silver platter, he couldn't just reach out and take it because of an outdated idea that should have died ages before he was even born.

"Son of a bitch." He said, dropped the basket he was holding and took off at a run. He caught up to Cas on the sidewalk and caught him by the shoulder. He hugged the hard line of Castiel's body, willing the pliant nature of this morning back into him, when he arched into Dean and whispered his name like a prayer. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was wrong." He kissed Castiel's eyes and his cheeks and continued kissing him until he felt Cas relax under him. "I was wrong. I need you to show me how this is done. I need you to teach me, Cas." Castiel's eyes turned back to the blue of his skies when he nodded and it would have been absolutely perfect right then but then he heard a horn honk. Dean turned to fight someone, to trade angry words with someone who thought less of them for being them but he caught sight of the frat boys, the tattooed leaning out the window, leering at them. "Get some, my man!" He yelled and Castiel laughed. He genuinely laughed so hard that a few minutes later, Dean was still standing there, staring at him while tears poured down his cheeks.

"Take me home, Dean." He finally gasped.  

Dean did end up sleeping on the couch that night, but Cas slept on top of him and he didn't complain.

~~~

After that it was a hit or miss with Dean. There were times when he was perfectly fine with Cas touching him but there were other times, when Dean was stressed or hitting some kind of emotional wall that he would explode.

"Why do you always have to touch me?" He yelled once. "I like you man, hell, I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with you but I need- I need space too!"

"Fine." Cas said with a shrug. He turned back to the TV and they didn't say anything until the show was over and then he picked up his hoodie and said, "I'll see you in the morning."

And Dean, seeing this for what it was, nodded and let him leave.

When he picked Cas up in the morning, Cas handed Dean his coffee but did not lean over for his usual kiss. Instead, he placed his briefcase between his knees and took a sip of his own coffee. Dean did not move for a long second; not until Cas turned to him and nodded at the road in front of them, devoid of any cars. "Whenever you are ready, Dean." He said. There was no animosity in his voice. He was just waiting.

In the elevator, when they hit Castiel's floor he smiled gently at Dean and said, "Let me know when you are ready to leave."

Dean watched him leave the elevator but didn't say anything. Cas did not glance back.

At lunch, Sam and Jess brought homemade turkey casserole and they sat around the long table, talking about money and cases and models and Krissy fell asleep in her chair and it felt the same as it always did.

Before.

It felt like before when Dean wouldn't allow himself to think of Castiel in that way. The way that he had only seen him three nights previous; panting, hard and begging beneath him.

But it was worse. A lot worse. Because now that Dean had him and knew that Castiel wanted him and they were two inches from falling in love, it was his own fault for pushing him away and he kept doing it, the closer they kept getting to Thanksgiving. He knew it was the stress of training Adam only topped with the impending visit of his father. He knew this intellectually and it made sense to him when he was up in his attic, retouching pictures of Krissy and Ruby or when he was in the shower. When he was with Cas he could forget for a little while that there was such a thing as fathers and outside worlds and that life was stupid and harsh and he lost in the lottery of fathers.

But when he forgot those things with Cas, he forgot to tell him how it made his sick to think of what his father might say or do to Castiel. That he might make Cas look at Dean differently because, after all, the apple does not fall from the tree, does it? And if he saw that man that raised him, what else would he see? Someone useless? Defiant for all the wrong reasons? Poor and unloved and found... wanting?

When he thought of Castiel's parents he found himself jealous. He found himself willing to trade almost anything if his father had been anything like Castiel's. Even Gabe talked warmly about him, how he was warm and kind and when he was not working or lost in thought, he was a great man, a beautiful and kind man who had lavished attention on the two of them and loved their mother to the ends of the world.

All this ran through his head when he saw Jess' eyes skim from Castiel's empty hand to Dean's cold wrist and he wondered how Sam managed it. He was a great man and an even better father. Of course, in those drunken moments, Sam blamed it all on him. When their father was too busy drinking or beating the shit out of someone, Dean was there to show Sam how to fix the Impala, how to drive, how to pick up on chicks, how to work really hard for something he wanted. He would tell Dean, in those happy, slurred moments of his,that Dean was always his real father and no one could tell him otherwise. A father, he used to tell Dean, was not someone who contributed some DNA. A father was the man that was there to tie your tie when your hands were shaking too badly for your first dance. A man was the one that bought your first cologne. A man was the one who showed you how to be kind to people and when to punch someone in the fucking nose. That's what Dean had shown Sam and that's what Dean couldn't show Castiel.

And so it went. For three solid days, other than perfunctory kisses, Castiel kept his hands to himself but always smiling gently at Dean and nodding at the road.

"Whenever you are ready, Dean."

When Dean woke up in the early morning hours of a Saturday, alone in his bed, sweating and panting and clutching at the person who was not in his bed, he knew he was at his wits end. He knew he couldn't take the soft smiles Cas handed out to him like they were candy but nothing more than chaste kisses on his lips or the corners of his mouth. This was the longest stretch of time he had been without Cas in his bed and it was driving him slowly, but surely, insane.

But, as everyone who has ever met Dean knew, he was too stubborn to say anything. He did not talk to Cas that weekend at all and found himself wondering what he was doing with all the free time on his hands. He wondered what he watched or if he did laundry or worked on that report that Michael had mentioned during a meeting that Castiel had frowned at but nodded. He wondered what Castiel did during those long hours when Dean wasn't there with him to have a serious conversation about the zombie apocalypse or what would happen if they were stranded at sea.

But Dean was there, bright and early, on Monday morning. He noted the new scarf wound around Castiel's neck, waving bright at Dean as though he were a bull. Cas slid in, all elegance and very faintly of a new cologne.

"That's new." Dean said, gesturing to the scarf.

"Yes." Castiel said, and handed Dean his coffee. "I went shopping this weekend. The sales girl recommended it."

"Did she recommend the cologne too?" He asked, baiting Cas.

"No. That was my own decision." He said. Dean should have known better than to bait Cas at anything.

The rest of the ride to work was silent.

Dean left early for lunch that day, and did not tell Jess or Sam or Cas where he was going. Instead, he went to a small pub that was often frequented by firefighters. Cas hated the place, said that the food was overpriced and the tea was too watery. Dean slid into one of the booths and ordered a watery tea anyway. He pulled pictures from his briefcase, Crowley's suggestions for the male models of Devil May Care. He had Adam taking care of all the heavy legwork, seeing if there were any undiscovered models out there that might catch his eye. The poor kid was drowning in paperwork and reports but Dean was confident that he would find his way through the maze that was marketing.

"See anything you like?" A voice came from the other side of Dean's open briefcase. Dean quirked an eyebrow at the briefcase before closing it.

"I'm not." Dean said gruffly, looking down at the pictures. "That's ninety five percent of my problem."

The guy across from him raised an eyebrow. Farm boy good looks and an easy smile, Dean figured him for a firefighter. A group of them were having a rowdy lunch in the back. A few of them eyed Dean's suit and the guy across from him with knowing smiles.

"That's a hard day's work, looking at beautiful guys all day. What do you say I take you out for something after your day is over with to relieve that tension?" The guy leaned back and placed his arm on the back rest of the booth.

"What's your name?" Dean asked, looking at him for a long moment. His eyes raked over his strong chin and easy smile.

"Nick Munroe." He replied. "Firefighter."

"Hm." Dean said. "Well, Nick, as flattered as I am by your offer-"

"Oh please don't tell me you are still playing straight." Nick leaned forward, clasping his hands uncomfortably close to Dean's. Dean pulled his hands back and frowned at the man. "I saw you not three weeks ago with a guy that you are clearly not here with. He kissed you and you smiled at him."

Dean laughed. "I'm not playing at being straight. I've given that whole charade a rest."

"Is it old blue eyes? Because he doesn't seem to be warming your side anymore."

"And you might be?" Another voice asked from behind Dean. Dean gritted his teeth to tell someone to fuck off, that this conversation and any other were over because he had work to do. Instead a red scarf and blue eyes slid in next to him, and appraised the man across from him. "Dean, you didn't tell me that we would be expecting company for lunch."

"I wasn't expecting company, Castiel." Dean said, now eyeing Nick with distaste. He saw him for what he was; a man who had another man for a quick fuck and never gave it a second thought. "Nick thought that I looked lonely."

"Lonely is something you definitely are not, Dean." Cas said in that possessive manner and traced the tendon that connected his thumb to his wrist before flicking his eyes back up to Nick. Dean felt something akin to relief flood his chest at the touch. Nick caught that look in Castiel’s eyes and Dean knew it registered. Anger and possession sparked along his eyes. This is mine, it said.

"No, it's not." Dean said.

"If you'll excuse us, Nick." Castiel said softly, just an edge of danger to his voice.

"Of course." Nick said. He slid out of the booth and swaggered over to his friends, only a little bit of wind taken out of his sails.

Dean turned to Cas. "How did you know I was here?" He asked.

Castiel shrugged. "Easy enough. You are clearly avoiding me," The waitress stopped by just then and dropped off his tea.  "What will you be having, handsome?" She asked in a bored tone.

"Nothing for me, darling." Cas said. He smiled sweetly at her. "I'm just leaving." She frowned at him but with a click of her pen and a pop of her gum she walked away. "As I was saying, you are clearly avoiding me and this is the place I frequent the least. Of course you would be here." Cas picked up Dean's iced tea and took a sip. He grimaced. "I will see you later, Dean." He said. He stood and buttoned up his coat, a pea coat today, not the coat Dean had bought him, and left the restaurant.

Dean turned to stop him but at the last minute closed his mouth and instead watched that blue coat slip out the door. Cas was just making sure he was ok. Nothing else.

Dean finished his burger and shitty tea and left.

At work he passed by Sam who looked at him strangely but did not otherwise say anything about lunch to him. "Hey, go see Krissy. She's been asking for you."

"I will." Dean said.

He didn't.

He spent the rest of his day holed up in his office with Adam, shooting down suggestion after suggestion of potential models for his campaign. By four forty five he could see Adam starting to unravel.

"We'll start again tomorrow." Dean said. "Go home. Have a beer. Watch bad 80s movies. That's what I'm going to do." There was a polite knock at the door and Cas peaked his head in.

"If you are ready, Dean." He said.

Adam looked at Cas and then to Dean and back once more. His gaze hardened for a second and then Jo popped in right after Cas.

"Let's go, bro. I've got homework and you've got a test." She said.

"Sure thing, Jo." He said. Jo's eyes followed Adam's and then they exchanged a look. Neither one of them of them actually said anything but it was all right there, the entire conversation.

"All right, get, you two. And Adam, forget the beer and movies. Study for that test. Michael checks in with your advisor on your grades to make sure everything is on the up and up."

Adam and Jo's eyes widened comically and he said, "Jesus Christ."

"He likes to think so." Cas mused.

"Lock up when you are done. I'm out of here." Dean said, heading for the door and Castiel. He shrugged into his jacket and they headed for the elevators.

The ride, once again, was silent.

~~~

Dean bypassed Castiel's house and head straight for home. "Let's have dinner." He said gently.

Cas merely nodded but Dean noted the tightening his hand on his briefcase.

They walked into Dean's house and it was a long awkward moment of them taking off their scarves and gloves and jackets at the door before Dean headed into the kitchen. Cas followed behind him, padding along in bare feet. Dean opened the refrigerator door and frowned at the contents.

"I could make soup. Or meatloaf with mashed potatoes. We could order something."

Cas watched him from the door but did not say anything.

"There is stuff for fried chicken but that's more your bag than mine."

Cas continued to watch his movements from the doorway and raised his hands to loosen his tie.

"Oh, let's do breakfast for dinner. Pancakes, eggs, bacon. Yeah?"

Cas only raised an eyebrow at Dean and unbuttoned the top button of his shirt.

Dean took out the pancake mix and eggs and bacon from the fridge and piled it on the counter. He was searching for the butter when Cas finally said something.

"Dean, talk to me."

"I am talking to you, Cas. You aren't talking back." Dean huffed. "It's pretty hard to hold a one sided conversation."

"You haven't talked to me in a week. Not since you blew up at me. Talk to me now, Dean."

Dean found the butter, behind old pickles. "Can't find that model I'm looking for. Adam is working out great. I'm going to recommend that Michael hire him after he graduates, I think. Jess and Sam are talking about having another kid."

Cas sighed. "Make what you want, Dean. I'll go."

Dean straightened up. "You wanted to talk! I'm talking, aren't I?"

"But not about what's the matter with us. One day you are fine. You are kissing me on the side of the road in full view of everyone and the next week I can't touch you. You need space. Fine. I'll give you space but you don't try to close the gap when you need me. I'm here, Dean. I'm right here!" He yelled.

Dean blinked. He had never seen Cas lose his temper. Not even in the few barroom brawls they had been in; Cas had never lost his cool. But here he was, yelling at Dean.

"I don't know what you want!" Dean yelled back.

"I want you! All I want, all this time is you! You and your issues and your inability to make a decision on a fucking pizza without weighing the pros and cons of every goddamn menu item! I want you during the weekends and during your stupid Shark Week. I want you, you freaking idiot!" Cas yelled back. Dean had forgotten, however momentarily, Castiel's epic temper. "I want you during lunch and during bad movies. All I want is for you to want me back and not regret it!"

Dean forgot about the pan he held in his hand but he remembered it when it crashed through the glass cabinets. "I don't know how to want this, Cas! I don't know what you and I are supposed to do! I don't know how to want you in front of other people without cringing at myself and my own reaction. This isn't how I was raised! This isn't something I know how to do!"

"Then ask me for help!" Cas yelled back and picked up the phone next to him and threw it at the already demolished cabinetry. "Ask me! You think this is all about you but you forget that I'm right here and I want you as much as you want me!" Cas stood still for a minute and looked at him. "I'm so angry with you. I want to help you but there is nothing that you will let me help with. Big, bad Dean Winchester. Worked his way through college and then paid for his little brother's college. Paid for it all through barroom fights, bartending and poker. He is a man's man." Castiel mocked, angry blue eyes almost black now, temper out and seething. "He won't take anyone's help. He doesn't need anyone to help him either. And he loses so much when he doesn't take the proffered hand."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Dean asked.

"It means you will lose me if you don't let me in!" Cas all but screamed at him. "I won't- can't live like this, Dean."

Dean stared at him in shock. Losing Cas like this? No.

"I don't know how." Dean whispered.

"Let me." Cas said.

Dean bowed his head. He shook his head no.

Cas crossed the kitchen in a swift movement. "Let me." He said.

Dean shook his head no, clenched his fists.

"Let me." Cas whispered, a ghost of his breath on Dean's neck.

"I don't know how." Dean whispered.

"Just let me." Cas said. He ducked under Dean's bowed head and caught his lips. "Let me."

Dean found himself unraveling at the touch. Cas was not being gentle. He kissed him hard and pushed Dean against the refrigerator. "Are you going to let me?" Cas asked once more.

"Yes." Dean said softly.

Cas gripped him by his hips. "Yes." He whispered back and kissed him hard enough to bruise. The fridge was cold so he pushed Castiel back. He got the hint and led Dean to bedroom. There, he tore the shirt from Dean's shoulders.

"I'll buy you another." Cas said.

Once naked, and damn if Dean could tell you how that happened, Cas laid him out on the bed. He left him there, and turned to Dean's closet. He returned to Dean with a blood red tie and tapped the bed frame. "Hands." He said. Obediently, Dean raised his hands to the cast iron frame and Cas tied him to it. He dragged his hands down Dean's body and said, "You are so pretty, and all tied up for me, Dean." Cas caught Dean's panicked look and said, "Let me."

Cas feasted on Dean like a man starved. There was not a part of Dean that went untouched, un-kissed, un-licked. When Cas pulled out the lube, finally, Dean was a quivering, begging mess.

Cas, as always, was cool.

He slipped two well lubed fingers down and behind Dean and Dean cried out. He was not making sense, could barely speak English at this point and when Cas found that place in him that made him see the earth spin on its very axis he swore he would lose his mind.

Cas positioned himself and helpfully wrapped Dean's thighs around his waist. "Just let me take care of you."

"Cas, please." Dean begged.

"I'm right here, darling. I'm here." He said and gently slid the first inch or so inside Dean. He waited for a small moment. It was always Dean on top and this was their first experience with Dean bottoming.

"Yes, ok, please, more, Cas." Dean begged. His hands wiggled, tried to grab for Cas but he was too tightly bound.

"Yeah, ok." Cas said. Dean could feel him teetering on the edge of control himself. He slid in more and Dean gasped and reached up and into him. Cas finally bottomed out, and reached up and untied Dean just then. He growled and pulled Cas into a rough kiss and Cas rocked into him, and Dean cried out. Cas fucked him roughly and Dean loved him for every sticky, sweaty second of it.

This was home. Castiel a breath away, holding onto him like he was the last man on earth.

This was the only place he belonged.

~~~   

That night Dean woke up in a cold sweat, Castiel’s name on his tongue. He forced his hands to unclench the sheet and watched Cas sleep. His thick black eyelashes were smudges against his cheeks and his mouth was parted. Dean closed his eyes against the nightmare and shuddered. He couldn’t precisely recall what it was, but he could feel the threat of loss in the pit of his stomach.

Dean reached his hand out tentatively and ran a finger along Castiel’s bare hip. He so rarely slept naked that it was a shock to Dean to feel bare skin. He ran a palm along his bare naked back, skirting the swell of hiss. Dean reached over and pressed a kiss to Castiel’s shoulder and trailed more down his spine. Castiel muttered something and Dean growled in response. Castiel rolled over and was able to look Dean in the eye for a moment before Dean swallowed him down and Castiel cried out. Dean sucked hard and fast, feeling Castiel’s immediate reaction. After a few moments he pulled off and Castiel whimpered. Dean scrabbled for the lube, opening Castiel up quickly and efficiently. Castiel’s eyes followed him and arched into his touch.

“I’m here.” Cas said and it was only then that Dean realized that he was murmuring, “I need you. I need you.”

Dean sank into him and after that it was nothing but deep sighs and muttered groans.

They fell asleep once more afterwards.

Dean woke up with his nose buried in Castiel’s hair. Cas was wrapped him like an octopus, an arm thrown over his waist, a leg over both of his and Castiel’s breath on his collarbone. Dean’s arm wrapped around Castiel’s back and Dean stared up at the ceiling.

“Are you awake?” Cas murmured from his spot.

“Yeah.” Dean replied.

“What was that?” Cas asked.

“I need you.”

“So you said.”

“So much so that it scares me.”

“Ah.” Cas paused and Dean considered the conversation over. Until Cas said, “I’m not going to walk right for a week.”

“Me either. We can tell them we went horseback riding.”

“They’ll know we were riding,” Cas said, licking his collarbone, slow and luxurious, “But they’ll never believe it was horses.” He sucked a deep bruise there and Dean groaned but was began the chain reaction Cas was looking for. It was much, much later, sometime after Cas was fully seated on Dean, Dean buried deep inside of him and Cas rocking back and forth and his throat exposed in a pale line, when Dean finally realized something.

Cas never said he needed him too.

Dean didn’t mention it.

~~~

 


	2. During

**DURING**

Life returned to a state of normality after that. Other than the addition of Jo and Adam at lunch now, and Adam trailing Dean everywhere, everything was fine. Dean learned that if he felt that slightest bit uncomfortable with the pace that he and Cas moved at, he could slow his breathing, remind himself that Cas was there, that Cas would always be there and that he was fine.

He was perfectly fine.

Other than the fact that he would find himself waking up from unremembered nightmares of tangled woods and sharp branches cutting at him, Castiel’s name on his tongue. Those only happened when he slept alone though and reaching out for Cas in the middle of the night usually put a halt to them.

Also, if you forgot about the blind jealous rage that Dean felt if anyone so much as looked at Cas. The thousand different ways he figured he could kill someone for taking Castiel from him, someone he had fought to want for so long.

Yes, other than those things, the night terrors, the worrying thud of Dean’s heartbeat, everything was normal.

Thanksgiving crept up on them faster than anyone would like to admit. His father was trying to call him with worrying frequency and Ruby changed his office phone number twice for him and he had to threaten Sam’s existence before it stopped. There was no way he could deal with him now, not with all the other things that were piling up on him.

Cas would glance at him from the corner of his eye during an angry tirade at people on the road. He would put a steadying hand on his arm. And then later at home, Dean would have to remind himself that yes, this was his life.

Thanksgiving morning began like the previous two had. Castiel invaded his kitchen and he was only allowed in to chop things. Cas was a whirlwind in there, washing dishes, boiling things, pulling things out of the oven only to replace it with other items moments later. Dean had a beer and watched him, stealing small samples of everything, and occasionally bartering a kiss out of Castiel. He was trying to remain calm but Cas was freaking him and then he realized he was freaking Cas out and the only reason that either one of them was worried was because his father would be there that night.

He didn’t know exactly how John Winchester would react to finding out about him and Cas. He knew it wouldn’t be positive and he was pretty sure it would end in angry words. But then he busied himself helping Cas and before he was ready for it, it was five thirty and he was helping Cas gently place each pie (eight this year, a new record) in glossy white boxes that they had stolen from Gabriel’s bakery earlier in the week. The boxes went into the Impala’s backseat, the car itself a glittering testament to Dean’s nervousness this past week. They arrived at Sam’s house earlier than his father which surprised both boys. John Winchester liked to pride himself for being at least on time but more often than not he was early.

Krissy was wearing a pretty red sweater for the occasion, blonde hair tied up in ribbons. Jess matched in a red sweater shot with gold threads. She smiled nervously at Dean and Cas and took a pie off their hands.

“Wow, Cas. Really outdid yourself.” She remarked.

“Is it too much?” He asked, straightening his pale yellow waistcoat.

“No, sweetie. Not for this family.”

Sam came sniffing around, Krissy in his arms. “Did you make a lemon meringue?”

“I did.” Cas said, taking Krissy from him. Dean couldn’t help but notice that Cas occasionally used the tot to chase away anxiety. Krissy put him at ease for some reason and she was only too glad to be held by Cas. They all stood in the overly large kitchen around the island that was laden with food of all kinds. No one said anything for a long moment. Dean met Sam’s eyes.

“Dean-” He started but was interrupted by the doorbell from the front. They all jumped and Jess laughed nervously. The oven timer went off just then too.

“Sam, would you-” Jess asked, her fear of taking things out of the oven evident on her face.

Sam looked from Dean to Jess, at a loss. He clearly wanted to get the door and save Dean from at least that much.

“I got it.” Dean said, turning towards the door, raising his hands to his tie and his hair smoothing everything out, straightening his shoulders and mentally preparing himself for his father.

It was instead, Michael and Ruby. He wore his usual tie and suit, a deep blue, sleek and elegant. His smile was slightly more relaxed than normal and Ruby was stunning in a matching blue dress, cut low in the front and a diamond necklace hanging in the middle of her chest. Dean had to wonder if their relationship was completely and totally platonic.

“Hey, guys. Come in.” Dean said. He stepped aside and took the plate from Ruby that she had been holding. She kissed his cheek lightly and Michael grasped his hand.

“Sam said you might need some moral support.” Michael muttered.

“Sam’s just worried that if it comes to blows he won’t be able to handle Dean by himself.” Castiel said softly. Michael took Krissy from Cas but didn’t disagree. He followed Ruby to the kitchen, leaving Dean and Cas alone for a moment.

Cas reached up for Dean and stroked his cheek. “We’re ok, right babe?”

Dean leaned down and kissed him lightly on the mouth. “Of course.”    

They both jumped when a voice said from the open doorway, “Dean?”

Dean was able to catch the flicker of uncertainty and surprise in Castiel’s eyes as he turned to the door. John Winchester was an imposing man, just a few inches shorter than Dean but you could see in his wide shoulders and large hands where the boys got their physique from.

“Hey, dad.” Dean said gently, as though speaking to a startled animal. He felt Castiel’s fingers on his wrist and for once, Dean didn’t think about jerking away. He watched his father’s eyes trace the line of where Castiel’s fingers met Dean’s wrist and he braced himself.

“Who’s your friend, son?” He asked, stepping forward into the light, coming just a little too close to Cas for anyone’s comfort.

“Castiel Novak. My, uh, ha. My boyfriend, dad.” Dean said, feeling like he was twelve years old again, waiting to be chastised.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Winchester.” Castiel said, sticking out his hand. If disgust could ooze from a look, it would have gathered at Dean and Castiel’s shoes. John smirked and Castiel dropped his hand but not his eyes. He met John’s eyes forthrightly, refusing to look away. Dean fell back a step when it became clear that Castiel was not going to back away to let John in.

Sam came in the just then and caught sight of the three of them in the foyer. “Hey, dad.” Sam said gently, easing himself between Cas, who finally fell back a step and John.

“Hey, son.” John said warmly, grasping Sam’s upper arm. “Good to see you, boy.”

That stung.

Cas met Dean’s eyes and he flicked his eyes towards the kitchen. Dean followed, close behind and not another word was said to the man they left behind with Sam.

Upon entering the kitchen, Krissy reached for Cas who scooped her out of Ruby’s arms wordlessly. He took a small plate of berries off to the side and began to spear them one by one and would hand the fork over to Krissy who would feed herself. She nibbled on them daintly, keeping an eye on her mother who was fussing needlessly over the food on the island. She then went over to the dining room where Sam had built a fire earlier and began to realign the silverware and Dean reminded himself that she had been the one to bear the brunt of John’s anger the last time. Ruby crossed the room and began to whisper words of encouragement to her and Jess gave her a weak smile.

Sam opened the door and led John in. Dean poured Cas a glass of wine and handed it to him. He opened a beer for himself and Michael.

“Ruby, wine?” Dean asked.

“That would be great, thank you Dean.” She said. Dean doled out a healthy amount of of white wine for the women and tossed Sam a beer. Sam smiled at Dean but Dean caught the look in his eyes. It had already started.

“Dad, this is Michael Andeo. CEO of our company. And Ruby is his assistant.” Sam said. “You’ve met Cas. And that there is Krissy.” Sam said, smiling widely at his daughter. She waved at her father.

“That’s my grandbaby?” John asked. Then he snorted. “It’s not like Castiel’s having any, what am I saying?”

Dean opened his mouth to reply but Cas just shook his head. Dean closed his mouth and clutched his beer tighter. “Can I hold her?” John asked Sam.

“If you can get her away from Cas, sure.” Jess said from the other side of the room.

“Good luck.” Ruby said, raising her glass of wine in John’s direction.

John made his way over to Cas who loosened his hold on Krissy quite deliberately. Dean watched as Krissy stared at John as he crossed the room to them. Krissy tried to squirm closer to Cas but Cas shushed her and said it, “It’s ok, baby. Grandpa just wants to hold you.” Krissy shook her head, blonde curls bouncing.

“No.” She said as John approached. He held out his hands to her and Krissy reached for Cas, grasping at his waistcoat and pulling at his tie. “No!” She said, louder this time and as John approached even closer, unable to get the very clear hint.

“I don’t think she wants to go with you, Dad.” Dean said from the fridge, getting closer to the three of them. John rolled his eyes and backed off, leaving Krissy in the safety of Castiel’s arms.

“Well, I suppose it’s not her fault. She doesn’t know me from a  hole in the wall.” Casting an icy glare at Dean as though his absence and Castiel’s presence was entirely up to Dean. Cas continued to spear the fruit and hand the fork to Krissy. She watched John warily from under her eyelashes.

“And I have to wonder, whose fault is that?” Dean asked.

“So, food.” Michael said from the island. “Looks great Jess. Really outdid yourself. And these pies, Castiel. How long did it take you this year? Wow.”

“You bake?” John asked, turning to Castiel.

Cas merely incline his head once and turned to Krissy who buried her face in his neck at the sound of John’s voice.

“Figures.” John said. Dean saw Sam’s hand tighten on the knife he was holding, poised over the turkey.

“Come on, everyone, let’s eat.” Sam said, the strain evident in his voice. Michael, John, Cas, Krissy and Dean made their way to the table where Sam stood at the head and Jess was off to the side. Ruby sat next to Jess, Dean sat next to Sam, Cas next to him and Michael next to him. Sam began to neatly carve into the turkey and Jess held a large plate out for him to put the pieces on. Cas stood with Krissy in hand and handed her over to Ruby who placed her in her highchair between herself and Jess. Dean made his way back to the kitchen and got her a sippy cup of apple juice and handed it to Michael who reached over the table to place it near Krissy’s hand. Krissy watched calmly as the adults around her fit themselves around each other and her.

“Cozy little family you have here, Sam. Dean.” John said, watching as they served dinner for each other and Krissy. Dean looked over at Cas who’s tie was crooked from Krissy pulling at it. He reached over and straightened it out for him. Cas gave him one of his famous barely-there smiles and spooned out mashed potatoes on his plate.

“So, Ruby. Nice job you have. Assistant to the CEO. Did you have to do any college for that or did you get in on your,” Here John paused, lingering a little too long on Ruby than was comfortable, “Personality?”

“I have my MBA. Masters in Business Administration, as I’m sure you are unaware. I graduated third in my class. Brown. An ivy league university, as I am sure you are also unaware.” Ruby said frostily. “I also have my bachelor’s in accounting and various certificates in web design. So no, Michael did not hire me for my, “ Here Ruby stopped and smirked. “Personality. He hired me because I am better than ninety percent of any other applicant.”

John glanced over at Michael who smiled widely. “Castiel.” John said roughly. “What is your job in this company?”

“Head of accounting.” Castiel said.

“And that takes a bit of schooling, right?” John said, propping his head up on his fist.

“Yes, a bit.”

“Where did you graduate from?”

“Yale with bachelors. Stanford for my Masters.” Castiel answered stonily.

“So was it Yale or Stanford that you learned this lifestyle from?” John asked.

“That’s enough, John.” Jess said warningly. “I let Sam agree to have you over because he thought you might have changed. But I will not let you speak to either Dean of Castiel in that manner.”

“You let Sam invite me?” John scoffed. “That’s rich.”

Dean slammed his fork down. “I’ve had enough.”

“What are you going to do, Dean? Avoid me some more? Encourage Sam to do the same?” John asked, rising from his chair. Cas stood and Michael hung his head for a moment in absolute defeat before rising to his feet too.

“I never told Sam to ignore you.” Dean hissed. “That was his own choice. And after the way you treated his wife, I can’t blame him.”

“Are you getting on your high horse because of the way I treat your wife, Dean-o? Always knew you were going to disappoint me. But I sure am glad your mother isn’t around to see this.”

Castiel neatly stepped away from Dean and out of his way. Michael did the same, rounding the table to Ruby and Jess’s side, standing between John and the women. Their decision was loud and clear, they were not going to stop Dean from doing what he would.

“You know what dad? Say what you want. Make all the crude remarks you’d like. But just know when you are alone, as usual, that it’s your own fault and no one else’s. You come in here and insult Castiel, Ruby and Michael. You disrespect Jessica in her own house and you still have the fucking nerve to wonder why Krissy won’t let you hold her.”

“Dad, you should go.” Sam said quietly.

“You asked me to come all this way-” John started.

“No, dad, you begged me to come and see us. But you haven’t changed. It’s a wonder you made it this far. I can smell the whiskey on you. Just, go.” Sam said sadly.

“If you are going to take this little fa-” John started, glaring at Castiel.

“Finish that sentence and I swear to god, you will end up in the hospital.” Dean hissed, stepping towards John. John was silent for once, his eyes on his oldest son. John had been in the service, yes, but Dean was younger and no slouch when it came to working out.

“I should have known with your cameras and your books and all that other crap that you would turn out like this.” John said sadly.

And that was what broke Dean. The sadness in his father’s eyes, like Dean was the failure.

“Sam is not the man he is because of you. Don’t take credit for that. Don’t you dare. Sam is who he is because when you were passed out in the back from a hangover, I made sure his homework was done. I made sure his clothes were clean and he had a lunch. I went to his fucking science fairs and all his fucking awards ceremonies and you were never there. You aren’t a man. You aren’t the man that our mother married-”

Mentioning their mother might have been a step too far, for John. But it wasn’t far enough for Dean. John reached out and hauled Dean close enough to him so that he had leverage to spin him into a nearby wall and slam him there trying to scare him. But Dean was years and years past those scare tactics. They might have worked on him as a nine year old but Dean was a man now and so he said to his father’s face, “I never deserved that. It wasn’t fair that you put that on me.”

Dean reached his right hand over his father’s hands and neatly undid his hands. “You never deserved us as sons.”

“I never asked for a faggot as a kid either.” John said. Ruby and Jess cried out at the same time and Castiel lunged forward, but Sam beat him there. He reached under his father’s left arm and pulled him away from Dean, clutching his chest.

“You need to get the fuck out of my house.” Sam hissed. John jerked out of his grasp.

“Fine. But I don’t want to hear from him-” He said pointing at Dean’s face. “Again.” He tried to look down at Dean. “You. Are. Not. Mine.” He said.

Another day, another time, maybe a little less stress, Dean would have been the bigger man. But this was not that day and he pushed Sam side and punched his father in the mouth, tripped him and threw him to the ground, taking more than a few pans with them. He hit his father again and again in the face, the chest, the ribs. John hit him back a few times but after a few blows decided to cover up what was left of his face as Dean vented years upon years of rage on his father.

Eventually, it took Sam, Cas and Michael to haul Dean off John. No one helped John up.

“If there is ever going to be one thing I am proud of, it’s that I am no longer John Winchester’s son.” Dean said, sagging against Cas. He wiped away the blood off his face.

“Get out.” Michael said.

John hauled himself to his feet. He left and slammed the door on his way out.

There was a long moment of silence before Ruby finally said, “Well. I think we should all call it a night. Get some rest. Dean, get some ice.” She began to pick up the dishes from the table. “Jess and I have this. Why don’t you all-” Ruby stopped and cleared her throat, her demeanor slipping for a moment. “Go home. Dean, Cas, just go home. We’ll clean up here.”

Cas nodded and wrapped an arm around Dean. Cas slipped a jacket around Dean’s shoulders and led him outside . He tucked him into the Impala and drove them home. Neither said a word for the ride. When Cas finally got him home, Dean just turned to him and said, “I’m sorry.”

“There is nothing for you to apologize for.” Cas said. He undressed them both and turned the light off. “Sleep, Dean. It’ll look better in the morning.”

Dean slept.

~~~

The next morning was decidedly not better. Dean ached everywhere and his lip was the size of a small country. Cas was already gone by the time he woke up so Dean pulled on a pair of sweats, brushed his teeth and made his way to the couch. After watching several hours of bad daytime tv, Dean heard his front door open. Cas came in, clutching several bags.

“Where’ve you been?” Dean asked.

“Black Friday.” Cas said,holding up his spoils of war. Dean saw entire four season of Doctor Sexy, MD in his hands. “I love you.” Dean said honestly.

“And I got a few for me.” He said, pulling out more 80s movies and a few cartoons. “For Krissy when she comes by.” He explained.

Dean grabbed a couple of sodas from the kitchen, popped some popcorn and sat next to Cas. For the next hour or so, they were able to forget the previous night.

There was a knock at the door later on and Dean stood. Sam, Jess and Krissy were all there, all holding dishes. Krissy grinned up at her uncle. Michael and Ruby stood on their tiptoes behind them. They held all the pies from the previous day.

“Let us in, Dean, it’s cold.” Sam said, nudging Dean aside. Everyone was dressed as him and Cas; sweatshirts, loose pants, and hoodies. They all piled in, and went directly to the kitchen where Michael and Jess began to heat everything up. Everyone pulled out what plates they could find and went into the living room where Cas had paused the movie.

“Oh, I love this one.” Ruby said. She tugged off the Harvard sweatshirt she was wearing that Dean was pretty sure was Michael’s. Cas settled in next to Dean, Krissy on his lap, already eating off his plate. Michael sat behind Ruby on the couch and she leaned into legs. Sam sat on the floor, Jess between his legs.

And Dean gave thanks for his family.

~~~  
  


Things went back over to what they were before. Even though everything had blown over and everything had happened the way it did, nothing changed. Dean felt deflated and let down at the outcome of what had happened. He couldn’t help but feel something should have changed but it was just more of the same. More of the nameless itch beneath his skin that was only momentarily soothed away by Castiel, the same kisses, the same nameless need to move; and he couldn’t help but hate himself just a little bit for it.

And that hate began to manifest itself in little ways towards Cas. He was a little rougher than he needed to be in bed, his remarks cut a little too deeply and, although he would never admit it to anyone else, it gave him just the slight bit of satisfaction to see Cas’ eyes widen with hurt.

It came to him in the middle of one lonely night. Cas was at his own home, working on the numbers for Ruby’s new campaign when Dean woke up and realized he hadn’t touched his cameras in weeks. He had not taken a single picture in weeks either. Even Christmas passed by without him commemorating it.

Dean had to realize then that his obsession of taking pictures and losing himself in the passage of time, in marking certain demarcations in time had instead becoming in making Cas miserable in what ways he could.

And he had had enough.

~~~

 

“What’s the matter, Dean?” Cas asked, watching the tight line of Dean’s shoulders from the table. Dinner had been unpleasant, with Dean tossing scathing remarks at Cas. This had become par for the course since Thanksgiving. Maybe before that, Cas thought, if he wanted to be honest. Dean stood and snatch up the dishes from the table.

“Nothing, Cas. Christ, you are always asking me that.” Dean snapped.

“Because I want to know. Is it your dad? Why can’t you just tell me?”

Dean tossed a cup into the sink. “Because, Cas, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

“How what’s supposed to be?” Castiel asked, deadly quiet.

“Loving you. It shouldn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t hurt me.” Dean said, swallowing his temper. “I don’t want to keep doing this to you.”

Cas barked out a shallow laugh. “Love doesn’t hurt? How many chick flicks have you been watching, Dean? If you honestly believe that, down to your very being,” Cas crossed the room quickly and grasped his chin, “Then you are a vain and shallow fool.”

Dean stared at Castiel for a moment. “I guess I’m a fool then.”

“I never promised you roses and rainbows-“

“But it hurts, Cas! I love you so much it hurts! And it shouldn’t, should it?” Dean asked desperately. Cas dropped his hand and stepped away from Dean. He would not meet his eyes and stared somewhere over his shoulder.

“It should not. But,” Castiel sighed deeply. “I believe the hurt you feel is your own doing.”

That brought Dean up short. “What- what do you mean?” Dean asked.

“I mean that you find yourself wanting. Not me. I am somewhere high above on an imaginary pedestal playing a harp or something.” Cas looked at him and there were tears there. “But I am flawed, Dean. Just as flawed as you. And I’m just as adrift as you.” Cas sucked in a deep breath and Dean saw the tendons in his neck stand out for a moment. “But I come every time you call.”

“Don’t.” Dean whispered.

“What?”

“Don’t come when I call. Leave. It’s the only safe bet either one of us can make.”

“Since when do I gamble?”

“I’m doing it for you.” Dean said.

“Goddamnit, Dean, you do not get to make these choices for the both of us!” Cas screamed, finally losing it.

“Fine. I’ll make it for myself.” Dean nodded to the front door. “Leave. Come back tomorrow for your things. Let yourself in. I won’t be here.”

“Dean-“

“No. This isn’t what either one of us deserves and you know it.” Dean hissed, suddenly angry all over again. “Get out.”

Cas stared at him for a long moment and Dean stared at his hands, unable to meet his eyes this time.

“Fine.” Cas said finally. He turned on his heel and left.

~~~

That night Dean shoved his favorite jeans and tshirts into a duffel bag. He took down his favorite pictures in the studio and carefully packed up his memory cards and his laptop and all of his cameras into his car and left.

He spent the night in a hotel. He took stock of everything he owned and his bank account. If he was going to do this, he had to have some reassurances. Figuring out a budget and crunching some numbers took him less than twenty minutes at the rickety desk in his hotel room. Then he picked up the phone, dialed Michael and quit his job.

The next morning, he got in his car and left.

 ~~~

 

 


	3. After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love music in fics. I just do. I love the incorporation of them. None of these songs are mine (I wish I were that talented) but instead belong to Benjamin Francis Leftwich and City and Color, respectively.  
> Enjoy, my darlings.

**AFTER**

Dean drove. He drove and he drove for hours. He headed south then back north. He stayed in shitty motels with shitty lighting and there was no Cas there to share in the distaste of where they were staying at. Instead, he had his car and his camera and the light filtering through the trees and dark clouds and starry nights.

God, he had forgotten how starry those nights could be. He had forgotten the millions upon millions of pinpricks up there in the blue velvet of the sky. He would breathe in the night air, all wet and mossy and, at that one point, singularly Georgia. He stopped at a peach stand the next day and bought a large bag of peaches from a little girl and her daddy, and for the rest of the drive all he could smell were those ripe peaches all over his seats and his hands. When he ran out, he bought peach shampoo and rolled down the windows, letting the air drift over him and the lonely seat next to him.

Louisiana was next, all mystery and spicy food. He wandered the nights there in the French Quarter drunk and fastidiously alone. He was approached more than once but waved all the attention away. It was not until he sat down on the curb, a bottle of whisky in one hand and the other hand swiping at that lonely place where his thick silver ring had been.

"Oh, Castiel." He told the sky.

"You can go back to him." A girl next to him said.

Dean turned, unaware of the company. She was pretty in a Prom Queen way. White, white teeth. Dark hair, green eyes. Legs that would go on for days. Dean knew she would look fantastic in a swamp, earth and dirt worshipping her like the boys at her school undoubtedly did.

"It's not time yet."

"Maybe not yet." She conceded and tugged the bottle from his hand. He watched her upend it wordlessly on the ground next to her heels. "Maybe not."

"Are you a model?" He asked suddenly.

"No." She replied, watching the amber liquid seep into the ground. She plucked some weeds from behind them and tucked them into the bottle next to her heels. She smiled at it, satisfied that she had made something pretty from something so ugly. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I would like to photograph you."

"Can I bring my brothers?" She asked.

"Of course. Are there swamps nearby?"

"Everywhere, my beautiful man."

He met her and her three older brothers the next day and they took one of their trucks out. Shea (that was her name, he had learned later that night) brought outfits in greens and browns and heels galore. The brothers watched closely as Dean took photo after photo of her. In his excitement, the light, the earth, the green, green water, he began to show them their little sister. Sheldon, Shannon and Sherman saw what he was doing and were impressed.

"So, you are a real photographer? Not one of those skeezy old dudes who like to hit on my sister?"

"Real photographer." Dean confirmed. "I'm taking pictures for my first gallery opening."

"When's that gonna be?" Sheldon asked, twirling a stick between his thick fingers.

"Don't know yet. But I'll get your contact information to let you know. I'd like for the four of you to join us?"

"Us?" Sherman asked.

"Me. I mean, me." Dean corrected, frowning at himself.

"Dean is in love but left him so that Castiel could find himself. Or so that Dean could find himself." Shea provided from the other side of the truck. She was changing yet again and all four men had their backs to her.

"Love is tough, man." Shannon said.

"Dean, give me your shirt!" Shea cried out. Dean sighed. She had been indiscriminate in picking out her clothes but at various times she had taken her brother's jackets, vest, tshirt and now Dean's plain button up. He handed it to Sheldon who placed a hand over his eyes and stumbled around the truck to hand it to Shea.

The last photo of the day, Shea insisted that Dean be in on. She wore nothing but a pair of pink and brown Doc Martens, a pair of pink boy shorts and Dean's white button up. He showed Sheldon how to use the camera and walked over to Shea where she stood in the fading sunlight. The tree above her provided a fantastic filter and there was a sheen of sweat over Dean's skin. When he reached her, she loosened his belt and when he caught her hands, she raised her eyes to his and said, "Trust me."

He let go of her hands and she undid his pants the rest of the way and pushed it down over one hip. She reached up and placed a hand on the back of his neck and brought his forehead down to hers. "Close your eyes. Think of Cas."

And he did. He remembered his big blue eyes and the snotty way he took his tea. He remembered the way he placed his fingers lightly against Dean's wrist and the deft stroke of his tongue against the dips of Dean's skin. He furrowed his brow in an effort to keep the tears at bay but when he heard Shea whisper, "Shhh..." He felt them fall anyway.

That was the only picture of himself he did not erase.

The next morning found him on the road again. Heading towards Missouri. There, he went through the Ozarks, stopping at a mom and pop general store and perusing the aisles in search of snacks.

"Young man like you shouldn't be alone." The older woman said from the counter. Her blue eyes were studious and kind and could see right through him.

"Why's that, grandma?" He asked, smile tugging at his face.

"You’re missing someone by your side." She nodded to his hand where he had been rubbing the missing spot Cas always touched. "I know that look." A young girl came out from the back and tried to hush the lady, leave the customers alone. Dean, in turn, shushed the teenager who gave him a sullen look. He leaned against the counter and asked, "Can I take your picture?"

She frowned at him. "Don't know what you want with a picture of me." She said. "I'm just an old woman."

"You," Dean said, picking the camera up from around his neck, "Are art."

He took seven pictures of her and the one he kept was the one where the dust motes gave her a halo. Then he made the sullen teenager come out and take a picture of the both of them.

Missouri gave way to Texas and he realized it had been a week since he had heard from Sam. He stopped at a barbeque place and watched the sawdust make patterns at his feet. He would call Sam that night, he swore. Ask about Krissy and Jess and let Sam curse him to hell for leaving their family in shambles like this. His camera was in front of him and flipped through the pictures of Shea and the old woman in the Ozarks. He flipped further back and found pictures of Ruby and Krissy; Michael and Adam bent over paperwork; his brother raising a beer in his direction; families in the park by his home and Cas. He was always there, just outside his range of vision.

"You a professional photographer or something?" A sly voice came from his side. He jumped to see three young men there.

"Uh," Dean cleared his throat. "Yeah, I am."

"No one has a camera here around these parts without that being their job." The middle one told the one that spoke and held his hand out. The first speaker placed a five in his hand and the third rolled his eyes.

"You guys brothers?" He asked, looking from one to the other. There was a strong family resemblance there in their jaws and smirks, bright brown eyes and thick dark hair.

"No. We all served together though." The third one said quietly. He was clearly the leader. "Work on the ranch outside of town. Johnstons." He said.

"Dean Winchester." Dean introduced himself. "It's pleasure."

The three took that as a sign to sit and they gathered themselves round the table. Dean's waitress hurried over. "Boys, don't be bothering the visitors." She scolded gently.

"No, it's no bother at all." Dean said.

"Honey pie, could you get us three cold ones?" The quiet one asked.

"Sure thing, Bri." She said.

"Brian." The quiet one said.

"Freddy." The first speaker said.

"Paul." The middle one said.

"What the hell are you doing out on the plains of Texas, Dean?" Freddy asked after his waitress dropped off the beer.

"Jesus Christ, Freddy." Brian muttered.

"I'm running." Dean said. It was as much truth as he could muster these days.

"Not from the law?" Paul asked.

"No, from my boyfriend." Dean said. He leaned back and watched the three of them carefully.

"What, was he stalking you or something?" Freddy asked, taking a long swallow from his beer. They placed their orders.

"No. Nothing like that. I'm just a piece of shit boyfriend that requires a lot of work and now- Now I don't know what the hell I'm doing or where I'm going but I figure he needed something more."

"You're lying to yourself." Brian declared.

"Does a bear shit in the woods?" Dean muttered, pulling the label off his beer.

"Not a polar bear!" Freddy and Paul shouted at the same time. Dean smiled. He missed Cas. He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat.

"Yeah I am." Dean conceded.

"In fact, you are pulling the whole, he's-too-good-for-me-act."

Dean nodded. "I am."

"So why don't you go back?" Brian asked.

“Because I'm here now. And driving and taking pictures makes me happy. Being where he's at- that makes him happy." Dean shrugged. Then he looked at the three of them. "Can I take your picture?"

The three of them huddled together and Dean took a picture of them and laughed when he saw it. "Yeah, this is the right one."

Many beers and many hours later, Dean found himself staring up at an encased American flag. Lieutenant Jonathan O. Dilmore. Killed in combat, March 15, 2010 it read in the brass case underneath. He wondered if his new friends knew the soldier up there.

An arm swung around his shoulders and he turned to see Paul leaning heavily against him. "Johnny boy up there and Bri had a thing. They were best friends, you know? I mean, me and Fred are tight, but these two could read each other’s minds. It was weird when we found out that they were more than just friends but then it was just Johnny boy and Bri. That's just who they were. Twasn't one without out the other. Not ever. And when Johnny was killed. Well." Paul continued to look up but Dean didn't miss the look in his eye. He had loved Jonathan O. Dilmore himself. Maybe not like Brian, but he definitely loved him. "Brian hasn't been the same." Paul finished quietly. "None of us have been."

That night, Dean stumbled into the back of the Impala and passed out there.

The next morning found him waking to a police officer gently rapping against the window. He hurriedly rolled down the window.

"I'm sorry, sir." Dean said.

"Hey, it's no problem. Least you stayed here instead of getting your fool self killed on the road." He caught sight a big black truck turning into the dirt parking lot then. Brian and Freddy hopped out.

"Hey there boys." The police officer said to them.

"Sir." Brian said nodding at him. "Our friend here wanted a tour of old man Johnston's ranch. Is it ok if we take him?"

"Sure thing." The police officer waved them off.

That day found Dean taking pictures of the guys at the ranch. It was a different crowd than he was used to and he got a lot of crap for leaving the man he loved behind in the big city to take pictures but never did he hear a word edgewise about loving another man.

That night, he keyed through his contacts, and then put the phone down. He picked up his camera and scrolled through the pictures of Brian, Freddy and Paul. They worked hard together but had a propensity for bickering too. Freddy and Paul had actually gotten into a wrestling match over mashed potatoes that night at dinner. Both had been tossed out. He flipped past them and paused at a picture he had not taken. It was of him and Paul underneath Jonathan's flag, both looking up at it. They had their arms around each other's waists and it looked like they supported each other from falling flat on their faces.

Dean found himself on the road again the very next morning. He left a note at the front desk for his new friends and left his name and number if they ever wanted to get in contact with him. He hoped they would. He hoped that someday he could show Brian all the things he had laid out in front of him like a buffet. His friends, his family of sorts, just right at the tips of his fingers.

Dean knew he was a hypocrite.

God, did he know.

He drove for another three days, passing churches and empty buildings and parents and kids and lovers loving and fighting and smiling and crying and it was everything that Dean felt, laid out on the road for him to watch.

He stopped in Santa Fe, New Mexico. No reason to. No reason not to either. He strolled into the first real estate office he saw and said, "I'd like to buy a house."

The woman behind the desk blinked at him, her big brown eyes registering only a vague sort of surprise. "Looking for anything in particular?"

"Something small. Two bedrooms. Out of the way. A backyard would be nice."

"Financing?" She asked while she furiously typed in her computer.

"No, cash." Dean said, sitting down.

"How soon?" She asked.

"As soon as possible."

That night he dropped his bag in a motel room. He hoped it would be the last night. There were a few places his realtor, Michelle, would show him the next day. He flipped open his phone and studied an unknown number. He opened the message. It was from Brian.

Hope you find what you are looking for. And stop running, you idiot.

Dean smiled and saved the contact to his phone.

He dialed the old number he knew by heart and fell back on his bed.

"Dean?" He heard.

"Hey, Sammy."

"Hey! Hey! Are you ok? Where are you? Do you need me to come-"

"Sam, I'm fine. I'm in Santa Fe."

"New Mexico?! What the hell are you doing there? Why did you leave?"

"I had to, Sam. It wasn't working for us- He- Cas, I mean, he deserves something else."

"That doesn't mean you run away, Dean! You still had us!" Sam shouted.

"And you still have each other." Dean pointed out. "That's good for you, Sam. I'm proud of you, man. I really am. But right now, this is what I have to do."

Sam sighed. He could hear Jess in the background. "What are you doing?"

"Taking pictures, mostly." Dean said. "They're good. Some of the best stuff I've done."

"Is this about dad?" Sam asked quietly.

"Kind of. Mostly about me. I need to clear my head. I need to be someone that someone like Cas can love. The guy back there- that guy doesn't get the love of his life in the end. He just doesn't. He doesn't deserve to either. He's mean and violent and cruel. I don't want to be that guy, Sam."

He could hear Sam mess with something on the table and he heard the crack in Sam's voice. "What am I supposed to do without you?"

"What you've been doing. You'll be fine." Dean said.

"You're my rock."

"You're my best friend. Take care of Cas for me, ok?"

"I will." Sam paused for a long moment but did not hang up. "Will you be back?" He asked finally.

"No, probably not." He replied.

Sam paused and said, "Yeah. Ok."

Sam hung up.

Dean did not call anyone else that night.

~~~

Two weeks later, Dean was set up in a small adobe house. The entrance was right in the living room which led to a small kitchen and dining nook. In the back were whitewashed adobe walls and a fireplace in the corner of the four enclosed walls that were tall and white. Paved stones lined the entire backyard, making it a perfect place for people to gather on warm summer nights or to curl up in front of the fireplace. Dean went right out and bought patio furniture. They were orange. Cas would have loved it.

His walls were a soft teal and made Dean feel like he was floating in the sea. He bought a plain bed with a brown coverlet and furnished his other bedroom with all the makings he would need for his own small darkroom. He hung up his few clothes in the small closet and then went and sat in the kitchen. He needed more furniture, at least a couch in the living room.

Instead he hung up two photos in the living room. The first was one of the first one he had taken of his Cas before he had even kissed him. He had that glass of red wine in his hand and it was blurry. Dean traced his wrist there.

"I could feel your pulse beneath my fingers." He said, remembering one of the last things Cas had told him.

Then he hung up another, right next to it. Cas was on his back, hands beneath his head, mirrored aviators staring back at Dean. Dean had straddled him and pointed the camera down, a severe angle but Cas had that full blown happy look on his face. He was smiling and Dean needed that.

"Well, we're here, baby." He told the picture softly.

The king sized bed was too large for him that night.

~~~

Dean took to wearing linen pants and walking around barefoot. He didn't leave his house often. He took pictures of mundane things and stared at his phone a lot. The idea of becoming a photographer and living off his savings had been an ideal and now that he was living it, he didn't know where to start. He bought an acoustic guitar second hand and strummed it when he became restless and eventually began to look up tutorials on the internet.  

The New Mexico winds were not kind to him either. His allergies were killing him and he swore the little old lady next door could hear him sneeze. He printed and mounted his pictures from his trip and hung them on his walls.

He walked into town to get a few groceries and could feel the sun on his back like he had never felt in the city. He felt like an entirely different person and the looks he got while he was out told him so. Dean never realized how much he had relied on his suit and briefcase to tell everyone who he was. Now that all he had were his vintage rock band shirts, a few pairs of jeans and some boots, everyone gave him a different kind of look. He didn't mind so much, he swore he didn't, but when he saw a cuff from the Devil May Care line he wanted to brag.

Instead, he bit his lip and grabbed a dozen eggs.

He began to bring his camera into town with him, taking shots of abandoned houses and the occasional person. He was startled at the contrasting beauty of the men and women here to back home. Back home he was used to people being fairer and more structured. Here the beauty was darker and wilder. He could see it in the young girls eyes when they looked at him and when he caught their older brothers eyes he saw the thinly veiled violence there as well.

He went home and printed and mounted those pictures as well.

He passed by a music store and noticed a guy behind the counter. He had friendly eyes and he winked at Dean when Dean walked by.

Dean pretended not to see him.

It wasn't that Dean didn't notice. He did. He noticed how the small pictures were taking over and how they began to pile up in the spare bedroom. He noticed the days spinning into weeks, weeks fading into months.

It had been four months since he had arrived in Santa Fe. Six since he had left home. Six and a half since he had felt Castiel.

He was adrift, unmoored and lost.

Dean knew this wasn't home but had nowhere else to go.

The sheer violence of Santa Fe in winter was nothing to laugh at. Dean was unprepared and when he got sick he couldn't exactly say he was surprised. It descended on him swiftly and as he stumbled to the kitchen in search of food he realized he hadn't bought groceries in a week. He fell on the floor in the living room. So this is how Dean Winchester dies, he thought. Not surrounded by family or in a police chase or with Castiel by his side. Instead, he was alone with only the pictures of others’ lives surrounding him. He slumped to the ground and lost consciousness.

Hours later his head pounded. Then he realized that it was the door. He contemplated it and thought about it for a long time before actually realizing that whoever was on the other side could help him.

"Help." He called out weakly. He cleared his throat and tried to get to his feet. They were not working for him as they usually did. Nothing was. He pulled himself to the door and struggled for a long moment to open it and when there was nothing but silence, a deep panic settled in Dean's shoulders that yes, once again he was alone.

But he got the door open and on the other side was the man from the music store, built like a bull.

"Damned if that old lady wasn't right again." He said. He bent and picked Dean up. "You ain't light neither, let me tell you. You get me sick though and we are having words."

Dean looked at him, confused.

"Nana Stella sent me." The bull man replied, hefting Dean into his bed. "I'm gonna get you some water and then she is going to come over and let you have it. Best to let her just yell at you. She’s not the kind of lady you want to give any sass. You hear me?"

Dean nodded, still profoundly confused.

The man grabbed him and hefted him into his bedroom. He tucked Dean in and paused at the door. “Why did she call me?” He asked. Dean could only look at him blearily before falling asleep again.

Dean must have lost consciousness because when he came to, there was light streaming through his window and a cup of something warm next to him. In the kitchen he could hear the strains of a ranchera swing through his open door and a voice accompanying it.

And all of a sudden, those teal walls and dark brown coverlet and ugly orange furniture were home. They were home to him in a way that his old house had never been. He was comfortable and lazy here; he was sick here and by some miracle there was someone there to take care of him. He reached for the cup and it's swirling steam rising from the top with an unsteady hand and warmed at the bland taste of honey and lemon. Two voices exchanged words in the kitchen or living room in Spanish. He didn't know what they were saying but he closed his eyes at the rush of gratitude.

The older Hispanic woman from next door marched in, hands on her hips and a frown on her lips. It didn't quite meet her eyes though as she looked at him.

"Look at what happens when you don't have anyone here with you or to check on you! You could have died and then you would have ended up like that poet, that Emily woman who died and left all her beautiful poetry to be found out after she died. You’re lucky Rosa is in everybody’s business and saw you watching the music man."

"I don't write poetry." Dean said. He paused. “The music man?”

"Your _fotos_ , they are your poetry. _Pinche_ \- I don't know why you have to be so stubborn. Lay back. Rosa is bringing you _caldo_. When was the last time you ate, eh?" Dean opened his mouth to answer. "No! I don't want none of your foolish words, boy. Don't write poetry, don't have people to look after you, and now look at you. Like a _gatito_. That's what you are!"

"I'm very sorry to inconvenience you ma'am-"

"Ma'am!" She snorted and pulled the covers back up to his chest. She put a hand on his forehead and then his cheek.

"But what is your name?"

" _Mi nombre_! Now he asks! Rosa! _Mira_! He wants my name."

Rosa came in with a large bowl in her hands and waited for him to sit up. She settled the bowl delicately in his lap before looking up and rolling her eyes at him. "This is my Nana. Her name is Stella but if you call her that-" Rosa immediately got cuffed on the head. She gestured helplessly. "It would be in your best interest to call her Nana Stella. And you are?"

"Dean Winchester." He said. The room tilted for a minute and Dean had to close his eyes against the tidal wave of heat that rolled down him. He would have passed out again but he felt a hand on his chest, warm and reassuring. He looked up to see Nana staring down at him, concern etched in the lines of her face. He placed a hand over hers and looked back up. “Why did you call the guy from the music store? I don’t know him from Adam.”

"Eat, _mijo_." She said. "And then you rest some more.” She smiled at him, revealing a beauty that must have stunned people in her heyday. “The way the music man looks at you, he wants to know to you more."

"Yes, Nana." Dean replied, falling into the familiar words like it was the most natural thing in the world.

The soup that was placed in front of him was loaded with bits of chicken and vegetables. He ate it all in one go and drank the rest of his tea. When he finished, he finally noticed Rosa on the edge of his bed, flipping through a photography book that he usually kept on his coffee table. Nana was in his usual chair, knitting something blue and complicated.

"Those are not any good." Dean said to Rosa. She turned her large, dark eyes to him and raised an eyebrow. "Those are my throwaways. I like em enough not to throw them away." He smiled.

"I like them." She said thoughtfully. She held up a picture of Meg taking a picture of a model. "I like how the model is secondary to the actual subject."

"You know photography?" Dean asked. Nana snorted from her chair and Rosa smiled very gently.

"A little. Not too much." She said. "How do you feel?"

"Better. Sleepy." He said.

"Good, that's good. Rosa, get my coat. I have to go fix dinner for the boys. They'll be home soon." Nana said. She stood and stretched. Rosa climbed off the bed. "There is more _caldo de pollo_ on the stove. Sleep and eat some more when you wake up. I'll be back later to check on you." She swept a hand from his forehead to his cheek once more and frowned. What she felt was not up to her standards.

"No, please. You've done enough." He said.

"Ach. _Callate_. I'll be back. Eat, eh?" She said.

"Yes, ma'am." He said. He was suddenly very sleepy. He leaned back and she pulled the covers up once more. Her eyes were still concerned as she hovered over him. Then he slept.

~~~

In the following weeks, Dean slowly regained his strength. He formed a kind of friendship with Stella that he had never had before with anyone. She became a mother hen, sending over food via a grandchild and kind of an abusive friend, snorting derisively when he would proudly show her a picture. She was harsh and funny, she was fiercely protective of her family and soon enough Dean. Her grandchildren and sometimes her children would walk over and have a beer with him in the back when the fireplace was roaring and Dean fell into a sort of pattern. He found that these people took in strays like him, that not all the grandchildren were related by birth and that their love was exactly as their beauty; wild, dark and fierce.

He found the courage to go into the music store to browse. The guy with the friendly eyes had a warm smile. He told Dean that he owed him his life. Dean found himself smiling back.

Dean bought a brand new acoustic guitar. The man introduced himself as Benny and Dean found himself lost in that thick Cajun accent. He said yes when Benny asked if he wanted to get a beer later.

The night was a good one. They had a few beers at a local brewery and when they opened the mic up to people who wanted to take the stage, Dean was aghast when Benny swaggered up there and people cheered. Apparently, Benny doing this was a thing.

And what a thing it was.

Dean felt like he woke up for the first time since he had arrived in Santa Fe. A few people wolf whistled and a voice from the back called out, “Show em what you got, Benny!” He grinned down at the mic and shook his head.

“Shut up, back there. I know where you work!” Benny replied in the mic.

There was a husky laughter and then Benny raised a finger to his lips and a hush fell over the room and Dean could feel the expectancy.

“I’m out on a date of sorts tonight, people. He hasn’t heard me do this yet,” Heads swiveled to Dean who only raised his glass in their direction. He got grins in return, “But here goes.”

Benny strummed for a moment, lost in thought. Then he tipped his head to the side and Dean was lost.

 

_Don’t go slow,_

_You’ll miss all the things that you need._

_Your love and heat,_

_Runs from your head to your feet._

_I saw you first in the car on the way to the lake,_

_I kept you there…_

_If my bones we wrapped around you,_

_And my skin was right in front of you.._

_Would you smile and close your eyes,_

_I’m yours tonight._

_If you stay I promise to keep it alight,_

_For all these days.._

_When you fell,_

_Like a feather from out of a plane, you’ve got time._

_If my bones were wrapped around you,_

_If my skin was right in front of you._

_Would you smile and close your eyes,_

_I’m yours tonight._

Then he opened his eyes and caught Dean’s eyes. He smiled and Dean grinned, feeling the blush start in his chest somewhere. People cheered as Benny made his way back to Dean.

“Not bad.” Dean said, laughing. “No wonder Nana calls you music man.”

Benny grinned. “I can be your music man.”

“You are shameless.”

Benny laughed and took a drink of his beer.

And for a single night, Dean was ok with not thinking about Cas.

~~~

Benny and Dean developed an easy relationship. Dean referenced back home, his family, but Benny never pressed. Dean would ask all about Benny though; his time in the military, growing up in the bayou that reminded him of Shea and her brothers, being the single child to an only mom, listening to him sing old French creole songs while he cooked in Dean’s kitchen. Nana came over and taught him spanish lullabies and on the nights that were too late, Benny would softly sing them to himself while he strummed his guitar.

Dean knew a kind of peace then.

There was something different in Benny that drew Dean out. When Dean would wander into his music store during the day, he would offer him an easy kiss but nothing in return. He played his music for Dean and sometimes Dean would join and sometimes he wouldn’t. Instead of Dean being the one taking care of someone, he was finally being taken care of.

And he bloomed like that underneath Benny’s hands. He smiled a little more. Color began to leak into his photos again. He was humming underneath his breath when he worked on the Impala and even Nana commented on how much better he looked. She chalked it up to her cooking but smiled to herself when she Benny’s truck in front of Dean’s house.

The spring and the blazing summer followed them like that. Dean was content and he made himself believe that Benny was too. He called Sam and talked to Jess and sometimes Krissy. Adam was working for the firm full time and handling it beautifully. Michael and Ruby finally admitted that their relationship was a little more that just professional and platonic. Jess and Sam wanted to have another kid. Krissy wasn’t talking still but Jo was ok with that.

Cas had a boyfriend and was looking better. Dean had to be ok with that even if he wasn’t.

When he wasn’t ok with it, he found Benny.

Benny, for his part, stuck it out. He knew when he first met Dean that he was broken and broken people are never fixed no matter how hard you love them. Love never saved anyone; not in real life. Commitment to saving oneself did. And Benny saw Dean start to work on that kind of commitment. He was so proud of that work.

It began to show in his work once again. Dean’s photos focused now on color and life. Benny displayed the photos in his store and got more than a few offers for them. He would always smile and give them his boyfriend’s number.

Boyfriend. The word was strange on Benny’s tongue but it fit right with Dean. Thick like honey poured out in the light, he was always sweet against Benny’s tongue.

But he knew it was fleeting. Benny knew from the very beginning that Dean didn’t belong to him. Benny knew that he was living on borrowed time so when Dean came to him with shaking hands and swallowing back tears, he just pulled him close and whispered, “It’s ok. I know. But you are my best friend and that’s no easy job, so you are stuck with it, you hear me Winchester?”

Dean did. Dean heard him loud and clear.

~~~

One morning Dean found himself salting Nana's sidewalk while she yelled at him from the front door to hurry his ass up, it was too cold for anyone to be out there. He would smirk and shake his head and wish Sam was there to hear how this old woman talked to him. He would love her.

After he finished with her sidewalk, he walked into her living room where Juan, Rosa's boyfriend sat with Nana. She was frowning at him in that studious way of hers but Dean noticed how bright her eyes were.

"It's none of my business, Juan!"

_"Por supuesto que es su negocio_!" He argued back. Nana was actually Rosa's aunt who had raised her since she was a child. "If you say no, then she will not agree."

"Juan," Nana started and sighed. "It is not for me to decide. Those days were for me and mine. If she says yes, then I wish you every bit of happiness."

Dean's heart swelled with an unexplained emotion. Juan was going to propose but wanted Nana's approval first.

"Do you have the ring?" Dean asked, tugging off his gloves. Juan fumbled for a moment but pulled out a plain blue box. Dean popped it open and whistled. Juan was an attorney, just like Sam. He could afford the best and had gone all out. It was round and surrounded by other diamonds. It was delicate and beautiful. Dean showed Nana. Her eyes spilled over then and all she could do was nod and give a tight smile. He handed the box back and Juan looked up at Dean. "Do you think you could be there? To take the pictures?" He asked.

"Sure, if you want me to." Dean asked.

"How much do you charge? I can give you a deposit-" Juan started.

"Nah, man. Just bring the beer next time you guys drop by."

Juan frowned at him. Dean had already taken pictures for his website to advertise his office for free and now he was giving Juan this as well. "I'm going to pay you, one way or the other."

Others had hinted at such promises when he had photographed their children’s baptisms and First Holy Communions, at their family parties and anniversaries. Dean always waved such words off.

“Sure, Juan. Whatever you want, man.” Dean said.

“Coffee en la cocina, Dean.” Nana said, waving him towards the kitchen.

“Yes, Nana.” He said. “Juan, you want some?” He asked.

“No, I’m leaving. Hey, man, I did want to ask you something else.” Juan added, turning back away from the door and walking to the small kitchen with Dean. Dean poured the coffee for himself, sweet as ever, and poured it black for Nana. His hand hovered over the cup for a moment and he remembered how Cas took it black too. His hand shook for a second and he fisted it before grabbing the cup and smiling up at Juan.

“What’s up?” He asked.

Juan paused before he spoke, his cinnamon eyes flicking down to Dean’s hands first before up to Dean’s face. “Have you thought about Rosa’s offer?”

A few months after Nana befriended Dean, he found out that Rosa ran a small art gallery in downtown Santa Fe. No small feat for her humble beginnings and the family was immensely proud of it. She often featured up and coming artists and was hailed for her ability to pick out the best of the best. Rosa was very picky about who she offered space in her gallery. But after studying Dean’s pictures for a few months she felt reassured in offering him an opening.

“Um,” Dean began as he headed out to the living room with the coffee. “Not really?”

“Is that a statement or question?” Juan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I haven’t thought about it.” Dean said decisively.

Nana sighed.

“Well, what do you think?” Juan asked, sitting down once again, across from Dean.

“I think it’s a huge step forward.” Dean said slowly. “And I wouldn’t know where to start or what pictures to pick or what to wear or how to act around these artsy people.”

“Ach.” Nana said and rolled her eyes. “Rosa will do all that. It’s what they pay her the big money for her.”

“I don’t-“ Dean started.

“Invite your brother. Your niece. Your sister in law. Nana wants to meet them.” Juan said. “We can start with a small opening. Maybe a few days. If it goes over well, we can do a larger opening, more pieces-“

“Whoa, whoa.” Dean said, holding a hand up.

“This is just like that man you left.” Nana said, raising her hands in frustration. “ _Te vas y pierdes_! If you don’t do this, I wash my hands of you. You have been stalling for long enough.” She stood and limped out of the room.

Dean sighed and watched her retreating back. “Fine. Tell Rosa I’ll do it. I want say over what photos go up.” Dean twisted his hands. “Tell her to call me with the date. I don’t have anything important coming up, so-yeah.” Dean said as he tugged his jacket on and walked back through the door, his cup already forgotten on Nana’s coffee table. He stumbled into his own house, cold from the short walk over. He walked through his house, picking up pictures and setting them back down. The ones of Shea, yes. The ones of the boys from Texas, definitely. Ruby and Krissy, for sure. Sam, as well. But Dean paused at his favorite one, the one of Castiel turning, red wine in hand. He stroked his hand over Castiel’s wrist and trembled. Could he ever possibly part with this? This small, last piece that he held so close to his own heart?

Dean sighed and pulled his hand back. No. He would keep this last piece, this last shard that always pulled at him like an aching muscle.

He picked up the phone and dialed Sam. He made a point to call him at least once a week, just to keep abreast of the things that were happening back in his world. It sounded exciting, living in the city and making enough money to do the things he always wanted and support his growing family. They were expecting their second child in four months.

Dean was thrilled for them. He envied them. He loved them. He missed them. But it was all wrapped up in that same old feeling that he had gotten the minute his father had sauntered through Sam’s door. The whole why-can’t-you-be-more-like-your-brother? feeling that never really went away no matter how many achievements Dean realized.

“Hey Dean!” Sam said. “How are things in the desert?”

“Stupidly cold. I came south for the warmth and look what happened.”

Sam laughed. “You probably should have researched a place to move to instead of just selling your house to the first bidder and jumping in the Impala with a camera.”

“Come on man, it was a little more complicated than that.” Dean said, wincing at his words.

Sam was quiet for a moment. Dean knew he was mulling his word choice. “Yeah, I’m sure it was.” Sam said gently.

Dean paused, because he usually waited for the end of the conversation for his next question. But he was feeling pensive which usually led to self-flagellation. “How is he?”

Sam paused once again. Silent for so long that Dean checked his phone to make sure the connection wasn’t lost. “He’s good. He’s doing better. He’s not snapping at everyone and he makes it to lunch at least once a week.” Sam sighed and then he said, “He’s seeing someone.”

Dean knew it was coming. Anyone would be fool to turn away from a chance with Castiel. “Yeah.” Dean said, the only word that could come to mind.

“He’s not you. And he’s not happy with him.” Dean could hear a tapping sound and knew Sam was hitting his desk with a pen, a nervous habit from an uneasy childhood. “Jess says he’s just a placeholder. Someone to keep the bed warm until-“

“That’s enough, Sam.” Dean said softly. He rubbed his head. “I’m ok here. It’s ok here. I’m not coming back. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was there until I was ok here.”

“What do you mean, ok?” Sam asked.

“I don’t wake up at night in a sweat anymore. I don’t stumble out of my room thinking I have to make breakfast for you. I don’t have panic attacks thinking I’m going to lose Cas to the next available number. I’m not having stupid heart trouble over my job. I’m… ok, Sam. I met a guy.”

“You were having heart trouble? You met someone?!” Sam asked, disbelief etched in his voice.

“The doctor called it palpitations. I called it, oh fuck.” Dean said jokingly. “But since I’ve been here, I don’t know, it’s all faded into the background.”

“Even Cas?” Sam asked.

Dean was quiet. “No, not him. Never him.” He cleared his throat and fiddled with the buttons on his shirt before continuing, “Anyway, not the reason I called. I’m going to be doing a gallery opening in the next couple months. I just wanted to call-“

“We’ll be there.” Sam said immediately. “Just, time, date, whatever. We’ll be there.” He paused. “Wait, hold up. Who’s this guy?”

“Geez, Sam. Only if you want to.” Dean said, his voice cracking a bit. He had hoped against hope that Sam had wanted to be there. “And the guy- he is- he was- we were-“

“Use your words.” Sam said helpfully.

“We were dating but I don’t think I’m ready for it, yet. He’s great though. You’d like him. We’re friends.”

“Of course we’ll be there.” Sam finally offered after a moment of silence. “Let me know as soon as you know and we’ll get everything squared away, ok?”

“Yeah, ok Sammy.”

“Hey, I’ve got to be in court ten minutes ago. We’ll talk soon, yeah?”

“Yeah, of course.” Dean said.

“Good luck.” Sam said.

They hung up and Dean sat back. He felt a little better but there was still a heavy weight on his chest.

Castiel.

Of course.      

~~~

Sam sat back and looked at the phone and then at Jess who was leaning up against his desk. His partner in every single way, radiant with an early pregnancy glow, she frowned at him and her eyes were troubled. They didn’t say a word and both knew they were just putting off the inevitable.

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Jess finally said.

“There is nothing to be sorry for, Jess.” Cas said softly. Gone was the confident guy with the meticulous clothes. Now he made it to work in a button up and tie and slacks. Bags were underneath his eyes and it made Sam wonder what kind of relationship him and Balthazar had if Cas looked so goddamn miserable all the time.

“Sure there is,” Jess started.

“No, Jess. Bad mouthing Dean right now is not going to help. Neither is ice cream or movies or any of that other stuff. He wasn’t happy here. I knew he wasn’t. But I thought-“ He gestured helplessly. “I thought that I was enough to make him happy.” Cas stood and nodded at the two of them. “Wish him the best for me, would you?”

“Cas, you can come with us.” Jess offered.

Cas smiled at her. She was his best friend after all. She knew everything. She was the one to rub his back when he laid in bed. She was the one who offered excuses to Michael when he wasn’t able to face the world. Or when he had a little too much vodka.

He gave her a smile, brittle and fragile as blown glass. “No, Jess. I don’t think that’s a good idea. But thank you.”

~~~

Dean scheduled a meeting with Rosa for the very next day. The gallery would open with him as the featured artist in two months. Rosa rubbed his back when his face went white at the blank walls that Rosa owned. This was where his pictures would be. Rosa skirted ahead of him as he saw her pull out his camera. Her black heels and black skirt were a beautiful contrast against the white wood at their feet and the stark walls behind her. Not to mention she was a beautiful woman. He talked as he took pictures of her.

“Are you sure?” Dean asked. The pale floors gleamed underneath his feet.

“Yes.” Rosa said, without a care in her voice. She turned and gave him a look that was all Nana Stella. He snapped another picture.

“What if no one comes?” Dean asked.

“With your friends? With your family? No, this place will be packed. I predict that we sell out during our first week. And if we are opened much longer than that… Well, I honestly don’t think we will be.”

Dean frowned at the blank wall. “I can’t do this. I don’t have enough photos-“

“Shut up, you already signed the paperwork.”

“Fuck.” Dean said.

“Now go home, pick out the pictures and I’ll be by on Thursday to see what you have chosen.” Rosa said, pushing him out the door.

Dean sighed but nodded. On the way out he dialed Benny’s number.

“Just thinkin bout you, darlin.” Benny drawled. “I have gumbo on the stove and a bottle of white wine in the fridge. Come over and let me get you drunk.”

“I have an opening in two months.” Dean choked out.

“What?” Benny said and Dean heard something clatter in the background. “ _Sa a, se etonan_!”

“English, Benny.” Dean said.

“That’s wonderful!” Benny said, laughing heartily.

“Can I still come over?” Dean said, sliding into his car.

“I don’t know how to entertain real artists-“ Benny said, a chuckle on the edge of his voice.

“I’m going to kick your ass.”

“You know all the ways to my heart.”

~~~

Sam took the news as well as Benny did. He screamed and then he heard Jess scream and then he heard more people in the background.

“We’ll be there!” Sam yelled before the call was dropped or he accidentally hung up. Dean smiled and hoped that Cas would smile a little too. Maybe shake his head. But it was enough to know that in a few short months he would see his family again.

~~~

That night Benny worked the kinks out of Dean’s back. “You are worse than the man that sat in a cage with tigers.” He muttered.

Dean groaned as Benny dug into his taut muscles with his bare hands. “I’m sure there is a story there-“

“Yes, _cheri_ but it’s for another time.” Benny countered. “So your brother and his family will be here for the show?”

“They will be. I don’t know who else they are bringing though.”

“What about the ex?” Benny asked, rubbing his hands over Dean’s back once more before starting on his shoulders.

“I don’t know, to tell you the truth.”

Benny remained silent.

“Will you be mad?” Dean asked.

“You and I are a thing of the past.” Benny said, digging into Dean’s shoulders none too gently. Dean groaned. It was hard to remember that he and Benny were a thing of the past when Dean lay face down on a yoga mat in Benny’s living room wearing only his favorite pair of jeans. Benny’s jeans, as they were. “So if he comes here and you two have a thing-“ Benny paused and Dean felt his weight shift from Dean’s hips to his butt. It was a too familiar position. “A thing that you want to pick up on, I’m not gonna stand in the way of anything.”

“Benny-“ Dean started and tried to turn over. Benny didn’t budge though and Dean was stuck.

“Shut up. I’m workin here.” Benny said and Dean did. For once.

~~~

Two months sped by at an astounding speed. Before Dean knew it, invitations had been sent and he was meeting everyone at the airport. Michael had chartered a plane for those that chose to attend and Dean had booked rooms for them all.

The night of the big event, Benny and Nana threw a small welcoming party for everyone who flew in that day. Juan, Rosa and the rest of the family showed up with food in their arms. Before long, Jess was swarmed by women chattering about children and pregnancy that Sam and Dean politely excused themselves from.

Sam eyed Benny warily from across the room. “That him?” Sam asked, gesturing with his cup.

“Yes. This is his store.”

“Nice of him to do this for you.”

Dean watched Michael as he was descended upon by mechanics, construction workers, lawyers, pediatricians, and artists of all walks of life. Within moments he had them all roaring with laughter.

“We’re still friends, Sammy.” Dean said. He swung Krissy in his arms and she giggled. He watched a couple of guys try to hit on Jo but were turned away by Adam’s glare.

Benny crossed the room to Sam and Dean. “I think I underestimated how many people would be here. I got a few extra tables in the back. Could you-?”

“Yeah, no problem.” Dean said, attempting to pull Krissy off his neck.

“Hey, stay with her. I’ll help your friend.” Sam said, giving Benny a long look. As they began to walk away, Dean grabbed Sam’s arm.

“He’s not Cas.” Dean told him softly.

“I know that.” Sam said irritably.

“Cas wasn’t his fault either.” Dean reminded him helpfully. He saw the taut line of Sam’s shoulders ease just a little.

“I know that, too.” He said, his eyes flicking up to Dean. Cas might have been Dean’s love, but he was Sam’s friend; his best friend, outside of Dean. Dean did not just hurt Cas; he had left Sam too. And all that bare accusation was in Sam’s eyes. While Dean had played house that spring with Benny, Sam had to put Cas back together.

Dean opened his mouth to apologize but Sam turned and followed Benny. Dean’s eyes skipped through the crowd, wishing he could find that familiar head of messy hair that smelled like ozone no matter what. He wasn’t there of course. It was only three short hours until Dean’s first showing and the person who knew him the best wasn’t there. And it was all his fault.

Krissy tightened her hold on him and brought him back to the present. She smiled at him, all delight and love. Jess waved at him and Adam caught his eye. He made his way through the crowd, garnering hearty slaps on the back and grins from everyone. Dean ducked his head and blushed. The rest of the night went over well.

~~~

Michael declared that it was time to go over after the food and some raucous speeches. The gallery was a short walk away and the music store emptied slowly, leaving just Jess, Benny, Dean and Sam. Benny and Dean had found themselves in an impromptu jam session after being prompted to by the crowd and Jess begged a little. They sang smoky blues songs and the people in the store had loved it. Undecided if he was going to come back to the music store or not, Dean looped his guitar over his shoulder.

The gallery was an easy spot to mark. Other than two or three bars on the street, it was the only place that was open and doing a hell of a time at it. People streamed in and out of the courtyard and into the street. The gallery itself was lit up like a beacon of hope and Dean felt that same sickening feeling again. It wasn’t just his family and close friends seeing what he could do with a camera. People actually came out for the sole purpose of seeing what he had made. He swung Krissy to the other side of his hips and Jess tucked herself neatly against him. He swung an arm up and around her shoulders and she gripped his hand with hers. Krissy leaned into his neck.

“We’ve missed you, Dean.” She said softly. He dropped a swift kiss on the top of her head.

“I’ve missed you guys too.”

“But I can tell that this was a much needed change. Sam’s passion, his love of what he does, is in the courtroom. Yours was never looking at pretty models.” She said.

Dean laughed and waggled his eyebrows. “I guess we all know why.”

“I’m trying to have a big brother moment with you, you asshole.” Jess said but laughed all the same. “I’m glad you did what you did. For you, it was the best choice.”

“But?”

Jess shrugged. “No but. My dad used to tell that any sincere words you said that were followed by the word ‘but’ were essentially erased when you said that. So, no but. I’m happy for you.”

“Cas didn’t want to come?”

Jess tightened her hand in his. “We talked about it. He wanted to see you but in the end didn’t think that it was the healthiest thing for him. Balthazar was just a distraction for him and he came to see that. He is still very much in love with you but if this is what you want, he doesn’t want to destroy what you’ve made for yourself. And he’s still working on himself. Much like you are.”

“For a little sister, you are awfully wise.”

“I’m an old soul.” Jess said with an easy smile.

“How are you feeling?” Dean said, redirecting the conversation gently.

And with that, Jess launched into all the things that pregnant women talk about when they are pregnant. Dean listened with a slight smile on his face.

Behind them, Sam matched Benny’s easy pace. Neither of them said much.

“You guys are still close?” Sam finally asked.

“He’s my best friend.” Benny said, turning his eyes up to the cold moon.

“That works?”

“For him.” Benny said with a slight grin.

“He’s an ass.” Sam said cheerfully.

“You’re not wrong on that count, brother.” Benny said with a low chuckle. They watched Dean and Jess for a moment. “You’ve got yourself a beautiful little family there, Sam.”

“I’d like to think so.” Sam said, his grin widening. “What about you, Benny? Got someone waiting in the wings?”

“Nah.” He said waving the thought away. “I don’t-“ Benny stopped himself.

“You don’t what?” Sam asked, prompting him.

“I don’t belong here.”

“What do you mean?” Sam asked, crinkling his brow.

“Your brother, this whole art thing. It’s not my deal.” Benny laughed again softly. “Maybe I’ll take a page out of your brother’s book. Take off. Leave. Do my own thing for a while.”

“Don’t-“ Sam said and choked on his own words for a moment. “Don’t do that to people. Don’t just leave like that. It’s the most ridiculous, self-serving and egotistical thing you could do. What Dean did- Don’t romanticize it. It’s not- It was a shitty thing to do to us.”

Benny studied him for a moment. “All right.”

The rest of the walk was silent.

~~~    

At the front of the gallery, Dean wanted to puke. His vision swam for a moment and he had to hand Krissy over to her father for fear of passing out and dropping her.

“Rosa said I could go in the back.” Dean said helplessly for a moment, trying to take a deep breath. Benny rubbed his back in soothing circles. Dean tried to focus his attention on that. It helped, a little.

“All right.” Jess said, standing on her tiptoes to hug him. Sam hugged him as well and they disappeared in the front. Benny kept his hand on his back while they made their way down the alley and into a small backroom where Rosa’s employees and interns mounted the pictures. Dean found a small crate to sit down on and took a deep breath.

“Maybe if you put your head in between your knees?” Benny asked helpfully, appearing with a bottle of water in his hands. Dean hung his head for a moment and reached for Benny’s hand. He pulled him close and leaned into his thigh. Benny took the hint and began to rub at the tense muscles there. Dean sighed.

“You were a damn cat in a previous life, Winchester.” Benny remarked. Dean took a drink of the cold water.

They were there for perhaps twenty minutes before Rosa burst in and glared at both of them.

“Winchester.” She hissed. Everyone was calling him that tonight. “You need to get your ass out there-“

“I thought you said I didn’t have to make an appearance until the end!” Dean protested.

“There is some person out there ruining our sales. He is the most self-important manI have ever met and I work with artists whose prints run in the hundreds of thousands of dollars!” A young girl, Sarah something, pushed past Rosa and into the back with tears streaming down her face. Rosa pointed at her. “Do you see what he is doing to my staff? I don’t care if you throw him out but you need to say something!”

Dean craned his neck back at Benny. “I’m going to be the bouncer at my own showing.”

Benny could only shrug. “I’ll meet you at the front door.”

“Sam should be able to bail us out.”

“Sam will probably join us.”

“You’ve got my brother’s number.” Dean remarked, heading to the door that led to the front of the gallery as Benny headed to the back to circle around front.

“Your brother is a tall son of a bitch. He wouldn’t leave us hanging.” Benny said. He winked and headed out. Dean sighed and turned to the front.

It was easy to see where the man was. A crowd consisting of most of the two hundred visitors was gathered around him. Sam, Michael, Adam, Jo and Jess were in the back of the crowd and it seemed like they were struggling to the front.

“Dean!” Sam yelled from the back. Dean raised a hand in a silent gesture, Yeah, I know Sam. Jess and Jo yelled at him as well but he was swallowed up by the crowd and their soft conversations to properly hear them. The crowd parted for him easily, people recognizing him from singing with Benny or knowing that he was the artist being presented.

“Dean!” Michael bellowed but Dean just rolled his eyes. He continued forward, shaking the hands of some of his fellow art patrons. He finally got to the front where an older man who commanded a certain kind of presence stood, furious it seemed, in front of a younger man. A man with messy, dark hair and a three piece suit. Dean could smell the ozone and rain from where he stood. In front of them, on the wall, was one of the larger pieces. It was a black and white of storm clouds rolling in over a mesa where a single Joshua tree stood. The crowd quieted behind them and the dark, messy hair turned and blue eyes narrowed at Dean. Dean froze where he stood.

“Mr. Winchester.” Cas said, in a dark, even tone.

“Mr. Novak.” Dean replied stonily. His hands were cold all of a sudden and he didn’t know what to do with them. “Can I help you with something?”

“I believe I am helping you. Your gallery owner has this marked at outlandishly low prices. I mean to only correct her mistakes.” Castiel said, his eyes never leaving Dean. There was an emotionlessness that Dean hadn’t seen before. He was no longer the vital person he was. If Dean hadn’t known his from before, he would swear that he was just another artsy asshole on his high horse.  

“As much as I appreciate your help, I believe Rosa has it in her very capable hands.” Dean said, equally cool. He felt himself slip into that man that he was, a businessman, cool, confident and capable of making any kind of deal he wanted. Adam and Sam had finally pushed their way to the front with Jess close behind. Without hesitating, she stepped forward and wrapped a possessive hand around Castiel’s upper arm. He turned to her and Jess spoke a few quiet words to him and he inclined his head toward her. He nodded once and Jess turned her eyes to Dean.

“Please?” She whispered to him. Cas turned to look at him and Dean took the scene in at once. Sam, Jess, Jo, Adam and Michael all stood behind Cas. Once again, Dean was outcast. Once more, Dean felt the weight of his decision. He nodded once more and turned away. He felt a certain tightness ease in his chest when he saw Nana standing there. Juan stood next to her and she opened her arms to Dean and said, “Ven.” She said. He walked swiftly to her and he felt everyone else close rank behind him. She closed her arms around him and felt her hand in his hair. He didn’t care how it looked. He just needed a kind word. Juan placed a hand on his back and Rosa cupped his cheek momentarily. Benny came and stood next to him, close enough for it to look like something that it no longer was.

“Dean-“ Sam started and Dean turned to look at him. “Mom would have loved this, man.” Sam said.

“I’m glad someone would have.” Dean said and felt Nana tug on his hand. He turned back to her.

“Show me your poetry, mijo.” She said gently.

Dean began to lead her around the gallery then and explained to her some of the pictures he had taken. He didn’t do light or composition. He didn’t explain color or juxtaposition. He told her about the subjects; the Navajo man he had met on the side of the road when his old Ford died; the young students studying underneath the cherry tree blossoming in spring; Benny and his guitar. They stopped at the picture of Cas and the wine glass. If there was ever a point in his life that he could point to, he would show someone this and say, “This is where it started. This is where the beginning of the end really began. It wasn’t my dad. It was me. I never saw him for how he was. For me, he was a blur of beauty that I wasn’t ready for yet.”

He paused here and Nana patted his hand. “Lo siento. It is too soon.”

“No, Nana. It’s not that. I just thought that-“ He waved his hand at the picture, “This is where it all began.”

“When did it end?” Rosa asked from his other side.

“It hasn’t.” Dean muttered.

The three of them stood in front of the picture, silent.

“Rosa, get your boyfriend to take an old woman home.” Nana said suddenly.

Rosa nodded and spoke to Sarah who was at her side. Sarah left and returned with Juan at her heels. They ushered Nana out and Dean felt colder and more alone than he had before. He stood in front of the picture for a minute more.

“There’s a corner over there that looks lonely, darling.” Benny said suddenly. “We could go set ourselves up over there. You got the guitar. I got the vocals.”

And that was why Benny was still around. Benny knew he didn’t want to talk or hash it out or ask the why or wherefore. Benny knew he wanted to do something his hands.

“Let’s do that.” Dean said, pulling the guitar forward.

Benny flipped a gray can over and Dean pulled up another crate. He played a few chords and then really opened up, and Benny picked up right away, as though he knew this would always be the song they would sing together, when in reality they had only done it once or twice.

 

_Well, I've been down to Georgia, I've seen the streets in the West_

_I've driven down the 90, hell, I've seen America's best_

_I've been through the Rockies, well, I've seen Saskatoon_

_I've driven down the Highway 1, just hopin' that I'd see you soon_

 

The crowd gathered inevitably but Dean was able to ignore them, lost in his guitar as he did. He picked up the chorus with Benny.

 

_'Cause I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home_

_I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home_

_I'm comin' home, I'm comin' home, comin' home_

 

The pair of them finished the song and Juan called from the back, “If people had known you were singing, they would have left sooner!”

Everyone laughed but he caught the looks of his former friends. They were a range of surprise and outright disbelief. He shrugged at them. Jess came forward. “We’re gonna get going. We’ll see you in the morning, though, ok? Sam says he’ll stay and he can take you home.”

“No! Sam needs to take you.” Dean placed a gentle hand on her stomach. “I’ll catch a ride with someone or walk.”

“It’s freezing out. You can’t walk.” Jess scolded.

“I can take him.” Castiel said softly. “I’ve got a rental.”

Jess looked between them. “If you’re sure-“

“Yes, Jess. It’s fine.” Castiel said. He raised a steely gaze to Dean who just nodded.

“Dean, I’ve gotta get myself. I need to clean up the store before James comes in to open tomorrow.” Benny said. He glanced over at Castiel and dismissed him just as easily even though he had seen the pictures that littered Dean’s small house.

“Thanks for everything tonight, Benny. Couldn’t have done it without you.” Dean said.

Benny laughed. “It wasn’t my talent that got you up on these walls, brother. That was all you.” Dean hugged him and Benny headed for the door.

It wasn’t more than half an hour later that Rosa pushed them out of the door. She promised to call him as soon as she had the final numbers if she didn’t see him first.

So, before he was really ready for it, Dean was in a very small rental car with Cas. He was silent, only asking for directions. They pulled up next to his beat up old Ford truck.

“You sold Baby?” Cas asked, horrified. “For that?”

“No.” Dean scoffed. “No way. But she isn’t used to winters like this. So I got a back up.”

Cas looked at him and squinted for a moment before nodding. Cas kept looking at him.

“Uh, did you want to come in? It’s not much, but it’s a hell of a lot warmer than in here.” Dean said.

“Sure, Dean.” Cas said, unbuckling and finally looking away. Dean got out and tugged the collar up, trying to duck out of the wind. Cas barely seemed to notice and followed Dean up the walk. Dean opened the high gate for him and locked it behind them. The small courtyard seemed a little smaller as Dean fumbled for his keys.

"It's not much." Dean said again, gesturing to the front of the room self-consciously. There were magazines everywhere, camera equipment in piles around the floor and he could practically hear Benny saying, "I told you so."

"It looks like you." Cas said, taking the room in at quick, haughty glance.

That stung. Dean looked down at his feet and fiddled with a belt loop. "You didn't have to-"

"Of course I didn't." Cas said. He walked further into the house and stopped to inspect the wall where Dean's favorite pictures were. There were duplicates in the gallery but these were the originals. Of course, there was Cas and the glass of wine; him smiling in his aviators; Shea embracing Dean in the swamp; and Freddy, Brian and Paul, their arms all slung around one another, looking up at the encased flag above the bar.

"These are good." Cas said, nodding at them. "Originals?"

"Yes." Dean paused. "The ones in the gallery are not for sale."

"I would think that everything up is for sale." Cas said, his back still to Dean. "I'm sure you could use the money."

Dean paused. He had never heard this tone from him before. He could feel the familiar tightening in his chest but took a deep breath and glanced out the window.

"Calmarse." Nana would say, in that soft tone. "Cuidado."

"I'm fine, actually." Dean said evenly.

"Hm." Cas hummed and turned back to him. His eyes were practically black in the dark room. "Well?"

Dean was confused for a moment. "Well, what?"

"Are you going to take that stupid guitar off your back and are we going to do this or what?" Cas asked. "Or have you picked up a thing or two from Sam and are we going to 'talk about it'?" Actually using air quotes.

"Do what?" Dean demanded, the anger rising to his throat anyway and then his thought process cleared. "No. No, we aren't." He actually took a few steps back and pulled the guitar in front of him, like it was a shield. Cas smirked at him. He raked his eyes from Dean's well-worn boots to his thick hoodie that Juan had gotten for him on his last visit to Chicago. But he nodded at him and headed to the door. In one move, Dean pulled the guitar off his shoulders and held it by the neck and reached for Cas. Castiel must have seen it though, or knew him better than Dean could actually remember because he turned smoothly into Dean's outstretched arm and punched him in the mouth.

Dean stumbled back a couple of steps and fell to the couch, landing on his guitar. There was an ominous crack and Dean looked down forlornly to see the neck of his guitar broken neatly down the middle. His lip was busted open and he could feel the blood welling up. He looked up in time to see Cas leave the house. He tossed his broken guitar into the opposite wall and wiped at his lip.

"Yeah, ok." He nodded.

~~~

The next morning at breakfast, Krissy was the first one to point out Dean's "owie". Nana took his chin in her steady hands that smelled of flour and red chile and shook her head. Sam smirked and Jess raised a fork in his direction. "I can't say I blame him." She finished off her third tamale and Nana smiled warmly at her. "Mas?" Jess chewed her lip for a moment. Nana took Jessica’s hesitation as a yes and began to place two more tamales in front of her. The Mexican food that Dean had introduced to her only a few short days earlier seemed to agree with her.

Nana began to dish out more tamales and eggs to everyone and poured more coffee for both Dean and Sam.

Dean frowned at his coffee cup. "I don't know why he decided to come if he still hates me."

"He doesn't hate you." Jess said, her mouth full. Krissy stroked his chin that was beginning to darken with a bruise.

"Mmm, no, he still loves you." Sam said, pulling apart a piece of sweet bread and dipping it in his coffee. "No wonder you've gained weight here."

"Hey!" Dean said. "What is this, let's-injure-Dean-in-every-single-way-possible week?" Sam and Jess shrugged. Krissy placed a gentle kiss on his chin. "At least someone still likes me." He said, hugging his niece to his chest.

"Well, you did leave everything a mess. You didn't have to see him every day for almost a year." Sam countered. "He lost weight, spent too much time at the office and snapped at everyone. Michael finally talked him into taking some time off."

"He left the freaking country, Dean." Jess said. "Went to France for a month."

"Jesus." Dean muttered. Nana hit him and made the sign of the cross. She scooped two more tamales onto his plate and then sat at her own coffee and plain donut.

"That's where he met that new guy." Jess said. She neatly cut her tamale into smaller bites and offered Krissy some. The taste for Mexican food seemed to pass from mother to daughter. "It was quite the coincidence. Apparently he not only works in the city with us, but you know him."

"Of course I do." Dean muttered. He gripped the coffee cup and heard the front door open. Juan came in followed by Rosa who waved at everyone before making her way over to the oven where the rest of the tamales were. Juan caught sight of his mouth and chin.

"Better not let your boyfriend see that." Juan said, nodding at him.

"Benny is not my boyfriend, Juan." Dean said through gritted teeth. Rosa and Juan both laughed as Rosa pushed a plate over to Juan.

"Not for a lack of trying, cherie." Benny said, as though this were a bad sitcom. He entered the kitchen with a small baking pan in his hands. "Beignets." He said as a way of explanation.

Nana plucked one out and then pushed the pan over to Jess who was practically bouncing in her seat. Instead of cutting this up, she handed a whole one over to Krissy.

"Oh, they're still warm." Jess moaned. Krissy tried to shove the whole thing in her mouth. Sam took one and Juan and Rosa shared the last one.

"Today is just not my day." Dean muttered as he watched everyone chow down. Benny walked behind Dean to get one of the folding chairs leaning against the wall and sat down. As he passed by, he tugged at the short hairs at the base of his neck and rubbed there gently for a moment.

"It can only get better," Benny said. "What happened to your face?"

"Cas." Sam said. He watched Benny carefully.

"Do you want me to kick his ass?" Benny asked taking Dean’s chin in his hand. He tipped Dean’s face back to see the mark on his chin.

Sam's eyes hardened. "You might want to start with Dean, since he was the root of the problem."

Benny turned to look at Sam but there was no anger there. "I heard." He said.

"Then you must have heard just Dean's side. You didn't hear how Cas fell apart-"

"And put himself back together if he landed a punch like that." Benny said. "The man's a fighter."

Sam shut his mouth, effectively cut off.

"So," Dean said brightly. "On to a less awkward subject! Who's this new guy Cas is seeing?"

"Balthazar." Jess said. She handed a napkin to Dean who tried to wrestle Krissy into letting him wipe her face. She squealed and launched herself at Benny who barely caught her with one arm. She wrapped her arms around him, glaring at Dean. She promptly wiped her face clean into Benny’s shirt and he laughed. She leaned into his chest and then patted his beard. “Lion.” She said confidently. Benny could only laugh harder but nodded in agreement.

“Yes, cher. I’ll be your lion.” He said fondly.  

"Well, welcome to the family." Sam said.

"Balthazar? From Devil May Care? You have got to be fucking kidding me." Dean said and ducked when Nana tried to cuff him again.  

"We are no longer seeing each other." Cas said from the hall. He was a little more relaxed than the night before but still stood very stiffly, as though waiting for an attack of some kind. "The kids at the front said you were here, Dean." Cas scanned the room for unfamiliar faces. His eyes landed on Benny for a long moment who stared back, completely at ease. Dean could practically see him picking out memories the night before; Dean and Benny playing together, the hug that might have lasted a second too long. Dean was not the only one who noticed his hands fist. Sam picked Krissy up out of Benny's arms.

Benny smiled at him warmly though. "Castiel. Nice to meet you. But don't think a pair of pretty blue eyes can distract me like Dean."

“It doesn’t take much to distract Dean, apparently.” Castiel said, looking just as stuck up and snobby as his upbringing implied he could be.

“You’re right.” Benny said with a slight grin and that drawl that always gave Dean the shivers. “Just a pair of broad shoulders, a Cajun accent and a singing voice that makes grown women weep when they learn I’m batting for the other team.” He winked at Dean and Dean could feel the blush starting in his chest.

“This is weird.” Dean muttered.

“No, this is intriguing.” Rosa inserted. Juan and Sam rolled their eyes but Jess nodded in agreement.

"I can't believe I'm sitting here listening to two dudes fight over my brother." Sam said.

Nana raised her coffee cup in agreement.

"Say what you want Castiel but I will not tolerate any violence in my house. Do you hear me?" Nana said, looking over at Castiel who seemed to shrink underneath her glare. As much as Dean might have deserved the punch to the face, she was still upset about it. She had turned his head three different ways and clucked her tongue that morning when she had seen it. "You say he loved you and then he does this." Nana said now, gesturing to his face.

"I didn't say he still loved me." Dean said coolly, leveling a gaze at Castiel. He flinched for the first time and glanced away from Dean. "They did."

Nana waved her hand at his words. "I was married for thirty seven years and never once did Raul raise a hand to me. Not once." Nana spoke solely to Castiel, as though they were the only ones in the room. "You see him for the first time in a year, after he almost died-"

"Died?!" Jess said.

"She's being dramatic." Dean said.

“He was three quarters dead when I found him. It’s how we met.” Benny said, leaning forward and taking Dean’s coffee from his hands and taking a long drink. He blanched. “Too sweet.” Castiel’s eyes followed Benny’s every movement.

"And he found himself a nice boy who was never anything but sweet to him," Benny glowed underneath her words, "And you come back and use violence. You say he left you? Huh?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever stop and ask yourself why he left you? Why did he feel the need to get away from you? Why was it his fault?" Nana paused and she looked over at Sam as well. "Why was it his fault?" She asked him now.

Sam, the lawyer, opened his mouth to say something but paused. Sam, the one who had taken Castiel’s side from the beginning, the one who had chastised Dean the most for leaving, was at a loss. He looked over at Dean who offered no other explanation. Sam looked down at his hands. "In a relationship, it's never one hundred percent one way or the other. It's always a two way street."

"He left me." Cas said. Dean could see Nana soften and almost stood himself to go over to Castiel but Nana beat him there. She stood and took his face in her hands but he kept his eyes cast downward.

Everyone watched them. Even Krissy who had been stroking her dad’s too long hair in between two fingers, paused and watched them.

“I loved him and he left me.” Cas whispered.

“Ach, mijo. But you didn’t need him, did you?” She patted his face gently and said softly, “You did just fine.”

“No but I always wanted him.” Cas said. He glanced up guiltily to Dean at his admission.

And there it was in a nutshell. Dean knew it; he had always known it. He had needed Cas desperately and while Dean had always known Cas loved him, the need was never the same. Dean had been drowning in it; that terrifying need that only went one way. There had been no rescue boat coming, Dean was the only one who could rescue himself from the raging river that was Cas.

Cas looked over at Dean and bit his lip. In front of Nana, she stripped him of all his pretensions and all his anger. He nodded.

"Can I talk to you outside?" He asked quietly. Benny shifted behind Dean. They weren't together but Dean could still read him like an open book. He didn't think it was a good idea. Dean wasn't sure it was a good idea.

"I'll let it slide once, blue bird." Benny said to Cas pleasantly. "Because I've felt the need a time or two to hit him. But he comes back with his pretty face damaged anymore, you'll have hell to deal with."

Cas regained his haughty look for a moment. "We'll see what kind of damage you think you can do, Cajun."

Sam rolled his eyes and Jess laughed. Dean nodded to the back screen door and Cas followed him out. The November winds whipped at them.

“This was a stupid idea.” Dean said as they both began shivering in the wind. He nodded to the small fence and the gate that separated the two yards. He opened the gate and let himself into his small patio and into his back door which was almost always open. The warmth was a stark relief to the bitter cold of the outdoors.

“I lied last night.” Cas said.

“About what?” Dean asked.

“The place not being much. It’s your home.” Cas wandered over to the fridge that was plastered with photos. “And these people are your life.” He tapped a picture of Benny strumming a guitar, sitting on Dean’s unmade bed. Dean’s memory of that day was stunning in its clarity. The slow, lazy drag of Benny’s tongue over his inner thigh, the prayerful way he praised him in French creole while he rocked deep inside of him, the dim light of the pumpkin candle.

“You care for him. Deeply.” Cas said.

“Well, yeah, Cas.” Dean said.

“I like Balthazar well enough but I would have never put reminders up of him.”

“I don’t know about Balthazar, but Benny is a good man.” Dean interjected.

“And he loves you.”

Dean could only shrug.

“Do you love him?” Cas said, turning to face him. He tilted his head in that way that still tugged at Dean.

“No. But he is my best friend.” Dean said firmly. He took a step back as Cas stepped forward, wary of him still.

“I’m sorry.” Cas said.

“For what?” Dean asked, confused and wary still.

“For hitting you. For acting the way I do. I just don’t know any other way to be around you, Dean.” Cas said helplessly. “I came here thinking that if I kicked your ass, that would be it. I could go back and fix whatever was wrong the Balthazar and we could end up unhappily together and there. That would be it. That would be my life.” Cas shook his head and took another step forward. “But then I saw you last night. I saw Benny rubbing your back when you got nervous before you went in and I wanted to kick his ass and your ass. I just wanted to hurt someone.” Cas took three steps forward and Dean was taken by surprise when Cas slipped his arms around him and placed his face gently in Dean’s neck. His arms remained at his sides and he stiffened but Cas continued. “I just wanted to make someone hurt as much as I had been hurt. Do you see? I thought that because we were in love, everything would be fixed. All that shame that you felt growing up; all that anger you had inside; all that lack of understanding of what an astounding person you were; what an astounding person you are, I thought that loving you hard enough would fix it.” Cas shook his head and Dean raised his arms up and around him. “I didn’t understand that it wasn’t just you that needed to be fix but me too. I understand why you left.” Cas pulled away to look Dean in the eye, “Damn it, I can fix this.”

Dean pulled away and looked at Cas. “Cas, it’s not broken.”  

Cas pulled back, far enough to look Dean in the eye. “I wish this changed anything.” He whispered and his voice cracked.

“I know. So do I.” He leaned forward and placed his lips on Castiel’s forehead. “I just wanted to fix what I could. With us. With you. For you.”

Castiel leaned into Dean once more. “If there is anything to be learned here, it’s that we are only constructs of our own design. Wouldn’t you say?”

“No, Cas. You helped me. You helped me in ways I can’t put into words. You helped mold me and showed me how to love. It helped with Benny-” Dean’s words caught. “But it’s you. It’s always been you. My best friend.” He brought his hands up to Castiel’s neck. “My best friend. Before anything, all else aside, that’s who you are to me.”

Castiel’s eyes were closed but the tears were evident. He nodded. “Friends. That’s how we part, Dean? Good friends that exchange birthday cards and Christmas calls and nothing more? You here in this cold desert and me back in the office?”

“God knows I want you in this cold desert with me Cas. But that’s not up for me to ask. I can’t ask you to leave your job. Gabe. Krissy and Sam and Jess.”

Cas leaned back and nodded. “You’re right. It’s not your call. And me running right back here- it wouldn’t be healthy. You left. Who’s to say you won’t do it again? I can’t chase you forever, Dean.” He cleared his throat now, hoarse with unshed tears. “But I will be here when you call.”

Cas turned and left, leaving Dean’s hands empty.

~~~

Sam, Jess and everyone else left the next day and Dean finally learned the difference between “alone” and “lonely”.

~~~

Dean learned a few new songs the following week. But a lot of his time was spent staring at his ceiling from his bed. Benny would creep into the house, leave food for him, coax him to eat and tuck him back into bed. Nana would come by and smooth his hair back from his face and held him when he finally turned to her and said, “I guess that’s it, huh?”

He didn’t cry. Not this time. This time it was just a numbed shell to block out what he could.

~~~

It took Dean exactly twenty three days to present himself to the public. And even then it was just to go get groceries. Benny persuaded him to go get a burger and a beer with him the following night. Dean relented if only to get Nana to stop giving him a mean side-eye. The conversation was slow but Benny was there, so it could have been a lot worse. As the night wore thin, Dean pleaded a headache and Benny took him home. In his kitchen, he saw the warm glow of his outdoor fireplace going. He wondered vaguely if Nana’s grandkids were borrowing it for a night of small talk but they had never done such a thing before. He found his way to the backyard, almost tripping over a duffel bag he must have left near the doorway.

Dean opened the back door, and stepped out. Only a single chair was occupied.

“Hello, Dean.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
